Real Men

By Yseult

Copyright © 26 March 2003

yseultdb@yahoo.com

Rating: NC-17

Disclaimer: So not mine.

Distribution: My website, Yseult’s Passion http://yseultspassion.com and my permission. Although why you’d want this is beyond me.

http://mysticmuse.net

Feedback: Yes, please.

Pairing: Just Faith

Spoilers: BtVS Season 6, Angel Season 3.

Author's Notes : This story takes place at the Northern California Women's Facility in Stockton. Written for the second Buffy/Angel Lyric Wheel. Thanks to Lar who provided the lyrics of "Real Men" by Tori Amos.

Summary: Who are the real men?

I found this book in the library today: Real Men Don't Eat Quiche. Don't know what quiche is. I think it's some kinda pie. Don't matter. Weird book though. It got me thinking about men. Only time I think about men is when I'm fucking them.

I used to think real men were people like Giles and Wesley, "Watchers of Slayers". Can you imagine a suckier job? You wait your whole life to train some annoying teenage brat how to kill vampires. Then one day, oops! She's dead, and you're unemployed. And it's not like you can get another slayer. Once you've had your turn, you're done. But Giles and Wesley? The Council fired their asses, and they just kept right on truckin'. Giles stuck it out with Buffy right to the bitter end. Then he came back for more. And Wesley? He joined Angel's crew in LA. Kills demons for a living now. When he's not kidnapping babies.

For a while there, I thought real men might be somebody like Xander. There's nothing special about Xander. Back when the Scoobies were in high school, he was the one that got the donuts. From what I've heard, he's also the one that dated a praying mantis, fell for an Incan mummy, turned into a hyena, and almost married an ex-vengeance demon. Weird shit always happens to Xander. He's like a magnet for the bizarreness of life.

Oz coulda been a real man. Except he's a werewolf so I guess that doesn't count.

Riley Finn mighta been a real man. Iowa-raised farm boy serving his country proud. I used to wonder what Buffy saw in him. I asked her once. She told me, "He was there when no one else was." Translation: he wasn't Angel. Seemed like a nice enough guy, someone a girl could marry and have kids with. Not my kind of guy. Not Buffy's either apparently. Still...

Can a vampire be a real man? If so, I'm guessing that Angel is my idea of a real man. Next to Buffy, he's the best fighter I know. He can take a beatdown and get up swinging. I oughtta know. I tried to kill him once. Maybe twice. In another world, I think me and him coulda been something together. We kinda think the same way though he tends to think way too much about some things. Like redemption.

(Shut up, bitch. I wanna sleep.)

Definitely met some non-real men, the Mayor being one of them. I liked him. A lot. He looked out for me, gave me a place to stay, money, toys. All with no strings attached. Okay, one string attached and that was to kill B. I never figured out how it was gonna be between us once he ascended. Angel said he turned into a giant snake. What was I gonna do? Pet him all day?

Guess I could add Spike to the list of non-real men. Now there's someone with balls. Wouldn't mind screwing him into the floor. Think I told him that too. Or something like that. He's got one hot body... for a vampire.

Shit. What is it with Slayers and vamps? Gotta be something there. I mean all this juice gets flowing when you fight. And the only thing that takes the edge off is humping. And, not that I'd ever tell Angel, but anytime I saw him fight, I wanted to fuck him within an inch of his soul. And some days, I woulda taken that too.

Buffy never did tell me what it was like with him. It was one of those "off-limit" topics. Still is. Never talk about Angel with her. Never talk about Buffy with him. All this frigging time, and those two still have the hots for each other.

(Shut the fuck up already.)

Fucking a man... now that's something I could go for right now. Doing it with a woman just ain't the same. I'm not into that lovey-dovey crap. If I want someone whispering sweet nothings in my ear, I'll turn the radio on. But a man... a man comes with a stick shift. Put it in the right gear and you got yourself a party. A real man can party all night. Hey, I'm a Slayer. If I can go all night, he should too.

Definitely takes Xander out of the real men category. Although I gotta admit it was a blast to be the one test driving. He didn't know a helluva lot. But he had the basic concept down: insert tab A into slot B. That part he got real quick. Bet that ex-demon girlfriend of his taught him some new tricks. Can't be a 1000-years old and not get around. Way Buffy tells it they were the ultimate Energizer bunnies. Wait a minute. Can't have all that sex if you can't get it up. Guess I gotta move Xander back.

(If I fuck you stupid, will you shut your yap?)

Now see, this is the part that doesn't do anything for me. Yeah, my body likes it but my mind just ain't there. For me, great sex is a full-body experience. When a bitch eats me out, yeah I get hot and heavy. And I like big tits. On my women. Not on my men. That's just fucking disgusting on a man.

(Fuck it. Where'd you learn to give head? The army? Guess they really did teach you to be all you can be. Gimme some sweet loving.)

But there ain't nothing as satisfying as a man's cock. Something about the feel of a cock sliding in and out of my mouth, my ass, my cunt... just makes the sex sweeter. And the bigger the cock, the better the ride.

(Hey. I don't fist, and if you plan on keeping yours, you won't either. So put the goddamn Vaseline some place else.)

A man's cock, when it's rock hard, is like steel. Hot steel that I get to ride and control and tease and tempt. I learned a long time ago that men'll do anything for sex. Even sell their soul. Just ask Angel. I stole this book once from Giles. It was all about Angelus. Talked about his "predatory habits" and "nocturnal adventures". Sonofabitch went through women like you go through cigs. Had the most sex he could when he wanted, where he wanted. And that was before he was turned. And after? He did men too. Liked to be the one in control.

Men can be sexaholics, and no one gives a flying fuck. When a woman does the same thing, she's a whore. A slut. A fucking skank. I should know. Watched my mom do it for years. I learned how to do a blow job before I learned geometry. Now that I think about it, I don't use geometry for squat, so I guess that worked out okay.

(This is what I'm talking about. We're done and I'm still feeling "unsatisfied". I need something hard in my pussy. Gotta wait til the guards change before I can fix that. Maybe one of the boys wants to play.)

You know, once I became a Slayer, I never did find a guy who could keep up with me. I once went at it with three guys. I'm not bragging or nothing. I'm just saying that there coulda been four more and I woulda been happy.

Giles' book made it sound like vampires can fuck like nobody's business. I'd ask Angel about it, but I don't figure he'd answer me. Or he might. Which could be worse, cause I don't think I wanna have that conversation with Angel. Not after everything he's done for me. If I thought B would tell me, I'd ask her what Spike's like. Fuck. I can just imagine what Spike's like, what it feels like to have cold fingers or a cold cock inside you. Closest I ever got to that was when I thought I took Angel's soul. Shit, the fucker can kiss. I nearly came in my pants.

(SHUT THE HELL UP!!!)

Know who else can kiss? Wesley Wyndham-Price. Tasted real good with blood. Didn't think I'd get into that as much as I did. Something about turning that knife... feeling the blood rush past my fingers... hearing him beg... my name dribbling out of his mouth. Used one of those "special" gags on him. Shoulda got a whip and really made him scream. But the way he looked... rough, beat-up, but not beaten, he was fucking hot. Not like the stuck-up little prig who used to be my Watcher. Turned him on too. When I sat on his lap, I could feel his cock pressing into my cunt. His body wanted me. His mouth said no, but his cock was saying, "Fuck me." Wonder if he ever told Angel that we fucked that night. Well, I fucked him. He just kinda lay there. It was a bondage thing.

I told B I fucked him and he came three times. She did this weird laughing/choking thing. Right after that she told me she fucked Spike. Mentioned something about him wanting to be a real man. She asked me if I knew any. Told her I'd think about it.

(Jesus FUCKING Christ!)

Funny. Miles apart and me and B still got the same problem. Now and then, we wonder who the real men are.

The End

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