Need

by Willow's Boo

Copyright © 2004

Swanrvr80@aol.com

Rating: R
Disclaimer: Like you'd think for a moment that these characters were mine. Just having fun while Joss isn't looking. Just trying to make it believable.
Distribution: The Mystic Muse http://mysticmuse.net
Just let me know.
Feedback: Yeah, ya say you're goin' call but ya never do.
Spoilers: Takes place right after – and I mean right after – the S6 episode Dead Things. There are no spoilers for any eps after Dead Things.
Dedication: For Soupy.
Pairing: Buffy/Giles

Part 1

"What's okay about that?"

"It's not that simple," answered Tara, glancing at the staircase behind them. She thought she had heard someone but it must've been her imagination.

"It is! It's wrong. I'm wrong. Tell me that I'm wrong, please..."

Buffy couldn't hold back any longer and the tears began to flow.

"Please don't forgive me, please...please don't..." begged Buffy, sobbing uncontrollably now. She slid off the table onto the floor, kneeling as she put her head in Tara's lap. Tara hesitated, then awkwardly raised her hands to hold Buffy's head.

"Please don't forgive me..." cried Buffy, her voice muffled.

Tara was unsure of what to do, how to comfort Buffy. If this was Willow...Tara gently stroked Buffy's hair with one hand.

"Don't tell anyone. Please!"

"I won't. I promise," soothed Tara.

"The way they would look at me...I just couldn't..."

"Buffy, shhh...don't cry," whispered Tara, still stroking Buffy's hair. "Don't you think I understand? I've had to hide who I am...even from you."

Sniffing, Buffy slowly raised her head and looked at Tara with red, puffy eyes. Tara smiled.

"You think it's easy loving another woman, even today? Sure, I'm out, but...but you wonder about people judging you and, and as far as public displays of affection..."

"Tara, no. I..."

"I'm only saying that it's okay to have these feelings. It doesn't make you a bad person," smiled Tara.

Buffy's lower lip was trembling but, still crying, she tried to smile back.

On the staircase behind them, hidden from view, sat Willow, her eyes wide open and her face just a little more pale than usual. She swallowed once and nervously leaned forward to peer around the corner.

"Thank you," managed Buffy, her voice barely a whisper. Tara stopped stroking her hair and rested her hands on Buffy's shoulders.

"If you ever need to talk or, or..."

"I know," sniffed Buffy, wiping her eyes. "Thank you, Tara. I, I couldn't talk about this with Willow. Not yet."

"Maybe...maybe if I w-wa-was there. With you, I mean. W-When you tell her," winced Tara.

"Tara...you're nervous about seeing Willow?"

Tara looked away, the ache plainly there on her face.

"I'm sorry. Okay, uh, maybe. Thanks. I'll think about it. Um...ya know, I think I should walk you home now," said Buffy, standing up.

"Oh, you don't have to," protested Tara.

"I want to," insisted Buffy, holding her hand out to help Tara up. Tara smiled and let Buffy help her, eyes on their clasped hands as she stood. She tried to let go but Buffy held on to her. Tara met Buffy's gaze as Buffy put her other hand over Tara's as well.

"I'm sorry if I made you uncomfortable, going behind Willow's back like this. She's my best friend, and I just can't...I don't think she'd understand. I know she wouldn't!" sighed Buffy.

"Buffy, the first time she told you about me, what was your reaction?" asked Tara.

"I...I was thrown. But just a little!" added Buffy, her face turning red.

"And then?" prodded Tara, smiling. Buffy gave Tara's hand a little squeeze and then let go.

"I get it," nodded Buffy. "Thanks."

"Don't be afraid of what you're feeling. And, when you're ready, you should tell her."

Buffy took a deep breath and nodded. When they walked by the staircase it was empty.

Buffy softly shut the door behind her and made her way up the stairs. She paused for a moment in front of Willow's closed door. Her light was still on and for a moment she considered knocking. But Buffy simply didn't have the energy. Walking into her room without turning the light on, she slipped out of her pants and slid under her covers, shivering for a moment in the cold bed. Closing her eyes, she slowly exhaled, puffing out her cheeks.

She knew he was there even before she felt him ease into the covers beside her. Not long ago she would've been angry at this intrusion or at least nervous about Dawn or Willow finding him here in her room. Still, opening her eyes she glanced at the door to make sure it was closed before she rolled over to face him. She allowed him to see just a hint of smile before it faded, receding like water melting into sand.

The moonlight from the window silhouetted his form but kept his face in shadow. Buffy raised herself up on one elbow, staring at him, taking in his lithe body. Her lips parted, eagerly awaiting his kiss and yet so enjoying the anticipation, knowing what was to come. And yet...there was something different about him this time. It took a few moments, but then she understood.

Gone was the urgency, the hunger. The insatiable need. Sensing her hesitation, Spike slowly raised a hand and gently brushed her cheek, his fingertips merely glancing across her hot skin. Buffy narrowed her eyes and bit her lower lip. He held her gaze and simply smiled. And for this first time since they had been together, Buffy was afraid. No, not afraid, just...nervous. He had told her that he loved her, had actually said the words out loud.

And she had cringed.

But now, right now, he was showing her what he felt. As Spike cupped her cheek with his palm, she leaned into it ever so slightly. Lost in his eyes, Buffy saw both happiness and pain, bliss and fear. And still he stared into her.

Buffy looked away.

His hand pulled away but Buffy still couldn't look at him. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath and in one practiced motion eased her blouse over her head, shaking her hair as she tossed it aside. She reached behind and unsnapped her bra, letting it slide free of her shoulders. When she finally raised her eyes to again meet his, she was startled by his reaction. Spike wasn't looking at her body. No. But he was still smiling. He held out a hand to her, his eyes not once leaving her own.

Buffy cautiously and apprehensively lay down beside him on her back. Encouraged by a soft nudge, she lay on her side with her back to him. First brushing her hair from her neck, Spike wrapped an arm around her, cupping a breast.

And he simply held her.

Buffy nervously swallowed, her eyes darting about, her body trying to understand what he was doing. Sensing her tenseness, Spike kissed the nape of her neck. And Buffy closed her eyes. He didn't have to speak. Buffy finally understood. This was about trust, about merely listening to her breathe, holding her...this was love. Buffy nestled closer against him and relaxed, trying not to think, only trying to savor the significance of her skin against his. This was just so unexpected, so unforeseen. She smiled as his lips again caressed her neck, his breath a whisper, a promise...

His breath.

Buffy bolted up in bed and turned, looking down at him. And gasped. Shocked, one hand flew to her mouth and she stared in disbelief. It wasn't Spike that lay with her.

It was Giles.

He lay there, just looking at her, a ghost of a smile upon his lips. But there was such sadness in his eyes. He was shirtless and maybe more, the sheet wrapped around his waist. And then he did smile...

Terrified, Buffy sat up and opened her eyes, her hands gripping the sheets, a cold sweat swiftly chilling her. She was alone. The bed beside her was empty.

"I've got to stop eating those chicken nuggets from the Doublemeat," sighed Buffy.

She noticed three things at once. Her blouse in a crumpled heap on the floor, the curtains moving from a breeze through a window she hadn't left open, and an impression on the bed next to her. As if someone had been laying there.

"Spike," spat Buffy, venom in her voice.

She shook her head and traced the sunken sheets beside her with a hand. And knotted her eyebrows together, at first in confusion. And then in fear.

The bed beside her was warm.

Rubbing her eyes, Buffy stumbled into the kitchen and almost didn't notice Willow sitting at the table. She didn't look up at Buffy. Instead she just idly pushed around her now very soggy cereal with a spoon.

"Hey. Morning," mumbled Buffy, making her way over to the counter to pour herself a cup of coffee.

"Hey," managed Willow, putting her spoon down. Buffy paused in mid-pour and glanced back at Willow.

"Um, Will, don't take this the wrong way...what I mean is, well, it's just...I'm concerned, you know? You look..."

Willow raised her eyes but quickly lowered them again.

"Rough night?" winced Buffy, ignoring her coffee and pulling a chair out to sit down next to Willow.

Willow nodded.

"Didn't get much sleep?" asked Buffy.

Willow slowly shook her head once.

"Wanna talk about it?" yawned Buffy.

Willow took a deep breath and again looked at Buffy. She began to say something but hesitated and then, her mouth slightly open, changed her mind and lowered her eyes.

"No," sighed Willow.

"You sure? Because I..."

"Buffy, was there someone here last night? I...I, um, thought I heard voices," shrugged Willow.

"Oh. Um...no. No, just me, probably talking to myself. Oh! I didn't wake you, did I?" frowned Buffy.

Willow didn't say anything for a moment and when she realized that she was staring at Buffy she shook her head as if to clear it.

"What? Oh! No. No, I wasn't sleeping, remember? Hence the lack of waking up. Uh, you know, I'm not really hungry," said Willow, standing up and dumping the contents of her cereal bowl into the trash under the sink.

"Willow?"

"Hey, you know, I'm kinda beat. I think I'll go back to bed, try to get some sleep," announced Willow with a nod, already walking away before Buffy could object. Buffy stood up.

"Willow."

Willow stopped and turned back to face her friend.

"Buffy, you look a little beat yourself. Why don't you join me? Oh, not, I mean...in separate beds, of course! To sleep. In a not together thingy. I mean, you don't...at least I...no, you...well, you know what I mean," winced Willow. Buffy wrinkled her eyebrows in reply.

"Not really," frowned Buffy.

"There you go. See, I'm tired and need some sleep."

"Okay. If you see Dawn, tell her to get ready for school," answered Buffy. Willow nodded and again hesitated, seeming about to say something. Instead she just nodded once more and walked away.

Buffy poured herself a cup of coffee, glancing once in the direction Willow had gone.

Buffy knocked again on the door and again took a step back into the full sunlight. And waited. She took a deep breath and chewed on a fingernail until she realized what she was doing. Discouraged, she turned to leave but then spun around and pounded on the door yet again, this time hurting her knuckles. The door opened but she stood where she was. Rubbing his bleary eyes, Spike stared at her with his head slightly tilted to one side.

"Let me guess. You're supplementing your burger flipping income by selling girl scout cookies door to door."

"This visit has nothing to do with my cookies! And hey, I'm on counter now, not grill and, and why am I even...Spike, where you in my room last night?" demanded Buffy, hands on her hips.

"You're disturbing my beauty sleep for this? Slayer, if I was in your room last night you would very much remember the visit," answered Spike, eyeing her suspiciously now.

Buffy lowered her hands to her side and looked down at the ground in front of her.

"What's wrong?" asked Spike calmly yet with concern.

"I...I don't know," shrugged Buffy. "Maybe it's nothing. But there was the open window and the warm bed and Gi...um, never mind. Probably just a dream."

Spike smiled.

"So now you're dreaming about me, eh?" smiled Spike.

Buffy tried to frown but it came out more as a pout.

"Why are you standing out there? Why don't you come inside and we'll...talk," winked Spike.

"No. No, I can't. I've got to get to work," said Buffy firmly.

Buffy took a step forward.

"I'm on the lunch shift," added Buffy weakly.

Spike just stood there, motionless, watching her.

"I can't be late," whispered Buffy. "And, and I'm free tonight..."

Buffy stepped into the crypt and looked up at him, biting her lower lip.

"Tonight would be better," whispered Buffy, her eyes focused on Spike's lips.

He simply watched her. And waited.

"Okay, enough with the arm twisting already! And this doesn't necessarily mean I'll be back tonight."

Spike smiled and shut the door.

Unable to sleep, Willow brushed her hair, pulled on a windbreaker and went for a walk. By listening to the sounds around her she was able to do what she needed right now and that was simply to not think. Distracted by the chirping of birds, the sound of the wind in the trees and even the noise of traffic, Willow hadn't paid attention to where she was going. When she did look up she froze in mid-step, her shoulders slumping and her breath escaping in a silent sigh.

Willow stood in front of the Magic Shop. Closing her eyes for a moment, she shook her head and turned to leave, almost bumping into someone.

"Oh! Excuse me, I...Tara!"

"Hey," smiled Tara. Her smile faded only a little when she glanced past Willow.

"I wasn't going to go in," winced Willow. "And, and I don't. Not unless someone is with me. I wouldn't."

"I know. You told me that last time. And Buffy told me you've been doing real good. With the magic, I mean," nodded Tara.

"I was just out for a walk, enjoying the bright sunshiny day and I didn't plan on, what I mean is, well, old habits and such, so, here I am. But it doesn't mean..."

"Willow. I believe you," said Tara.

"But...you do?" replied Willow, smiling hopefully. Tara nodded and smiled in return.

Willow really smiled this time.

"Thank you," she whispered. Then her smile disappeared and she couldn't look at Tara.

"What?" asked Tara.

"Not that you have any reason to believe me," pouted Willow.

"That's not true," tried Tara, her voice betraying her doubt.

"Returning that already?" asked Willow quickly to change the subject, motioning with her hand to the book under Tara's arm.

"Yeah," agreed Tara uncomfortably, shifting the book so that it was a little more out of sight.

"Last time I saw...last time we met, you were just borrowing that. Gotta stop meeting like this. People might talk," said Willow with a forced laugh.

"Wouldn't mind if they did," smiled Tara. And again Willow couldn't help but smile back in return.

They both looked at one another, suddenly aware of the silence between them.

"Willow, maybe...maybe we could...I mean, it would help if we were honest with one another, you know? No more secrets?" suggested Tara.

"I'd like that. Oh, I'd so like that," grinned Willow, rolling her eyes.

"Me too," agreed Tara. "Um, I'd better go and return this. I have to get to class soon."

"Me too," repeated Willow. There was another awkward moment of uneasy quiet.

"Okay," nodded Tara, walking past Willow.

"Tara, wait."

Tara turned to face Willow, keeping the book behind her out of sight. Willow took a deep breath.

"Last night, did you stop by? I thought I heard Buffy talking to someone."

Tara frowned but nodded her head.

"Yeah. I was helping Buffy with something."

"Oh."

"I...we thought you were asleep. And I know I just mentioned being honest and all, but I can't talk about it. She...it's personal," sighed Tara.

"Oh," winced Willow. "But, see, I'm her best friend. Why can't she talk to me? Is it about magic? 'Cause that would make sense, me being on the wagon girl and..."

"No. Well, kinda. She didn't want you to have to research...something," offered Tara, holding up the book for a moment. "It's not...Willow, I'm sorry, but I can't..."

"It's okay," shrugged Willow. "I shouldn't, I mean...it's none of my business. If Buffy wants to talk to you, I'm okay with that. You're her friend too."

"Willow, it's not..."

"She doesn't want to talk to me, that's fine. Just wish she wouldn't lie about it," sighed Willow.

"What?"

Willow grimaced, knowing she had said more than she had intended.

"I asked her about last night. She told me she was alone," frowned Willow.

"Oh. Um, maybe, maybe she just didn't want to talk about, well, not only magic, but with you and I..."

Tara trailed off and Willow sadly nodded once.

"Did you, um, hear what she said to me?" asked Tara cautiously.

"Only a little," admitted Willow. "But I'm sure I didn't hear enough to...what I mean is, um, it didn't make sense. Knowing Buffy. And what I heard. Or thought I heard."

Tara nodded but Willow could tell that she was worried about what she might have heard.

"Something about feelings. New feelings. For Buffy, I mean. So why couldn't she talk to me? You know, hello, best friend here with new feelings, or, well, not so new now, of course but, I told her when they were new!"

Tara tilted her head, more confused now than before.

"Sorry, I'm being rambly girl. It's a combination of lack of sleep and too much caffeine and...shutting up now," finished Willow, again pouting. Tara glanced at her watch.

"Hey, tell ya what. Why don't you call me tonight? We'll talk. Okay?"

Willow tried to hide her smile by nervously swallowing.

"You wouldn't hang up on me again?" whispered Willow, looking down and shuffling her feet.

"No. And I'm really sorry about that. Just...caught me at a bad time, was all," said Tara sincerely.

"Thanks. I'd like that. If I wouldn't be interrupting anything. I mean, you haven't met someone, right?" teased Willow, leaning forward with a grin.

When two people are together for a long time, they notice subtle things that other people would miss, even more so if they've had an intimate relationship. Just the slightest hesitation in body language, a glance lingered a moment too long, a breath held in anticipation...most times it's something not seen, but felt.

Willow stood up straight. When she spoke her voice escaped her in a halting whisper.

"Tara? Have...have you...met someone?" cringed Willow, shaking her head almost imperceptibly.

"What? No. No, Willow...of course not."

But Tara looked away, embarrassed.

"Oh my God," choked Willow, suddenly finding that her legs didn't want to support her.

"No! Willow, it's not like that at all!" protested Tara.

"But it's like...what? Tara, please..."

"It's nothing. And I know I was just talking about honesty, and, and secrets and openness and...okay, maybe I didn't say openness, but..."

Willow didn't move. She just looked down at the ground by her feet, afraid to look at Tara and even more scared not to. Tara stepped in front of her and put a hand on her shoulder, but Willow still didn't look up.

"Willow, breathe," whispered Tara, giving her shoulder a squeeze. Teary eyed, Willow looked up, biting her lower lip. Tara smiled reassuringly for her. Willow nodded but didn't smile.

"There's no one else. I promise. But..."

"But?" gulped Willow. Tara tried not to laugh.

"But since we're on an honesty kick, I was at the Bronze the other night. There was another girl there and, well, she wanted to dance. Wanted to buy me a drink. I declined. I said no. I was flattered, but that's all," sighed Tara.

"You said no?" repeated Willow flatly.

"I said no," smiled Tara.

"Did...did she have red hair, like me?" asked Willow, her voice small.

Tara reached out and softly put her hand on Willow's cheek.

"No one has hair like my Willow," nodded Tara confidently. Willow couldn't help but smile, even as a tear rolled down her face. Tara brushed it away with her thumb and then, hesitating at first, leaned in and kissed Willow on the other cheek.

"I really have to go. Call me," said Tara as she turned and went into the Magic Shop.

Willow slowly raised her hand and touched her cheek, comforted by the lingering warmth of Tara's touch. She walked away with a bounce to her step and, grinning from ear to ear, her hand still on her cheek.

"Oh, my sister just got in, so I gotta go. But I'll see you tomorrow at school, okay? Bye."

Buffy tossed her jacket over the back of a chair and stared at it as it slid off onto the floor. With a shrug she ignored it.

"Buffy. You're home early. Slow night patrol wise? Or did you want to spend some quality time with your sister?" smiled Dawn.

"Yes, yes and yes. If I can stay awake, that is. Talking with Janice about boys again?" asked Buffy as she plopped down into a kitchen chair. Dawn reached down to pick up her jacket and draped it over the back of the chair.

"And how do you know I wasn't talking to an actual boy?" demanded Dawn with false indignation.

Buffy raised an eyebrow.

"Okay, it was Janice," sighed Dawn. "And boys were only part of the conversation."

"Any boy in particular?" inquired Buffy.

"Sadly, no. But there's a dance next month and I might just ask one to go with me. If he doesn't ask first," added Dawn with a smile.

"So there is a boy," nodded Buffy in approval.

"Maybe. Oh, Willow already went to bed. Said she was really tired. I think she had a rough day," frowned Dawn.

"Oh," replied Buffy absently, suddenly feeling guilty about not making time to talk to Willow after their conversation this morning. "Yeah, she seemed kinda out of it this morning."

Dawn looked at Buffy and took a deep breath.

"What?" asked Buffy.

"Quality time aside, you look kinda out of it yourself. Why don't you go to bed? And check on Willow to see if she's still awake on the way. She talks to me but I can tell she's holding back. Doesn't want to upset me," added Dawn knowingly.

"But she doesn't mind upsetting me?"

"What are best friends for?" smiled Dawn.

Buffy almost laughed. She stood up with a groan and stretched, staring at one of the kitchen drawers. Opening it, she pushed aside a screwdriver, a pair of scissors and some envelopes and pulled out a framed photograph. Smiling as she flipped it over, she suddenly realized Dawn was watching her.

"Gonna put that back up? You haven't looked at that since he left," said Dawn.

Buffy glanced at Dawn and then looked back at the photo of Giles. Dawn had taken this one, had caught him by surprise in their kitchen when he had come over for dinner one night. Back when mom was still alive. Dawn had called out his name and the camera had caught him turning, his mouth caught somewhere between a frown and a wonderful smile. Buffy traced a finger over his face.

"Still mad at him?"

"I wasn't..."

Buffy stopped, seeing the doubtful look on her sister's face.

"Okay, I'm still a little mad. He could call once in a while, you know?" sighed Buffy.

"You can't call him?" asked Dawn.

"Right, like we can afford another bill. Long distance to England? Not really in our budget."

Dawn crossed her arms. Buffy pretended to ignore her.

"But I do miss him," confessed Buffy, looking back at the photo. "I think I'll put this in my room."

And finally Dawn smiled.

"Goodnight, Buffy."

"Goodnight."

After finishing up in the bathroom, Buffy walked past Willow's closed door and checked to see if her light was on. It wasn't. She paused a moment, promising herself she'd talk to her tomorrow. Buffy closed her bedroom door behind her and put the photograph of Giles on her dresser, staring at it as she got dressed for bed. Double-checking her window to see if it was locked, she glanced out past the shade into the darkness of the empty street below before turning the light off and easing her tired and grateful body under the covers.

Once or twice she opened her eyes, listening, but the night was still. Turning the light on beside the bed, Buffy got up and stood in front of the photo of Giles. She raised a hand towards the frame, hesitated, then lowered her hand.

"You're never coming back, are you?" whispered Buffy. Not long ago those words would make her angry. Now all she felt was empty.

Buffy crawled back into bed, feeling very far away from Giles, feeling more alone than ever. She closed her eyes, restless and shivering under the covers but soon drifted off, fast asleep.

She wasn't sure if it was a dream or if she had woken up, but she instantly recognized his voice. The curtains billowed outward from the wall by a cold breeze through her open window, carrying a single word like a moan, like a pleading whisper.

"Buffy."

Buffy opened her eyes and looked at him, sitting on the edge of the bed. She slowly sat up, releasing a breath she hadn't known she had been holding in. This wasn't a dream. This was real.

Her Watcher had returned.

Part 2

"Giles?" breathed Buffy, mouthing the word, giving his name no sound. She inched back away from him until her back was against the headboard.

"Don't be afraid, Buffy. It's me," he said, nodding reassuringly.

"No. No, this is...I'm dreaming and, and when I blink, you'll be gone," said Buffy, pulling the blanket up to cover herself. She wanted to glance at the clock but was afraid to take her eyes from him.

"This is no dream. No, it's so much more than that. Here, touch my hand, feel the warmth of my skin," offered Giles, extending his hand towards her. He held it out motionless between them.

It was his voice. So familiar, so comforting.

"I, I don't want to," winced Buffy. Giles nodded and lowered his arm.

Buffy stared at him. He simply smiled and shook his head.

"How?" demanded Buffy, her confidence returning.

"I don't know," shrugged Giles.

And now Buffy did glance at the clock. It was a few minutes past midnight. She also noticed that her window was open again and knew that she had locked it this time. Reaching behind her while staring into his eyes, Buffy felt for the stake she always kept under her pillow. Her fingers wrapped around the wood...and she smiled.

"You hit me. Hard. Not that I didn't deserve it, mind you," said Giles simply, taking off his glasses and rubbing his eyes in a routine that was so familiar that Buffy barely noticed it anymore.

"What?" whispered Buffy.

"Outside the factory. After I went after Angelus to avenge Jenny's death. But almost before my back was on the ground your arms were around me," continued Giles, placing his glasses back on the bridge of his nose. "You were so angry with me...and yet so scared, so...alone. Do you remember what you said to me?"

Buffy nodded, letting go of the stake in her hand.

"You can't leave me. I can't do this alone. Isn't that what you said to me?" asked Giles, suddenly looking very unsure of himself, almost fragile.

"Giles," whispered Buffy, her eyes growing wide.

"I had to tell you something, something only you would know. To prove it's really me," smiled Giles, though his voice sounded sad.

"So ya couldn't have picked out a happy memory?" sighed Buffy, her shoulders slumping.

Giles laughed. He actually threw his head back and laughed. Even more so than seeing him, just hearing his voice comforted Buffy, yet at the same time the ache off missing him rose in her throat and made her eyes water. Still, his laughter! How long had it been since she had heard that? How long had it been since she knew, had actually felt his happiness?

Since before her death. No, before Glory. Even before Dawn? Buffy's smile faded away as she realized that it had been a long time since either of them had been happy. Since either of them had laughed.

"Buffy? What's wrong?"

Buffy looked at him, looked away and then met his eyes with a glare.

"You left me. You wanted me to be alone. So why are you here? Why now?" demanded Buffy.

Giles didn't hesitate with his answer. But he did look sad again.

"Because you wanted me here," he said simply, as if he was repeating what she already knew. But then he hesitated for a moment, suddenly unsure of himself.

"What?" whispered Buffy.

"And because I was wrong to leave," added Giles, frowning as if it pained him to admit that.

Buffy touched the wooden stake again but this time wasn't consoled by the weapon.

"You still don't believe I'm real," sighed Giles.

"No. No, you're probably one of those astro projection thingies," frowned Buffy.

"Astral projection," corrected Giles. "No, that's not it. Not really."

"So what, then? You're not a dream, you're not a ghost...you're not a ghost, are you?" grimaced Buffy, suddenly concerned.

"No," smiled Giles. He again slowly extended his hand towards her, holding it out between them.

Buffy stared at his hand and shivered as a cold breeze whispered in through the open window.

"You've always trusted me, Buffy," said Giles, his voice hinting at the pain of her doubt.

She tried to look away but her eyes were drawn to his hand. Keeping the blanket close against her with one hand, Buffy tentatively reached out, her fingers slowly extending towards his. Giles slowly rotated his hand and opened his palm to her, encouraging her with an unseen smile. She hesitated, then lunged forward before she could change her mind and grasped his hand.

And she gasped.

His hand was warm. She could feel his pulse, strong and steady in his wrist. Buffy hadn't realized how much she had wanted to believe, had needed him to actually be here. She was smiling even though she was crying.

"Giles," she whispered, his name full of wonder. Buffy let the blanket fall from her and opened her arms to him. With a relieved smile he welcomed her against him, holding her close. Giles closed his eyes and swallowed once, lost in the scent of her hair.

"I'm here," he whispered in return. Buffy pulled back and wiped her eyes, looking up at him.

"How? No, no first...why? Not that...oh, Giles, I've missed you so much," sniffed Buffy, again seeking shelter against his chest.

"The why is the easy part. Just because we're far apart, how can you not understand that I wouldn't know, that I wouldn't feel your pain? I'm here because I felt your need...and I want to help," whispered Giles, himself sniffing once or twice.

Buffy eased away and glanced up at him uncomfortably.

"Maybe we should get back to the how first," frowned Buffy.

"Are you sure?" asked Giles, somewhat surprised.

"Oh yeah," nodded Buffy, rolling her eyes.

"Very well," agreed Giles reluctantly. He gave her a doubtful look and took a deep breath.

Buffy waited patiently, opening her eyes wide to encourage him.

"When I got back home I took up meditation, both for my own peace of mind and, well, to help you."

"Huh?"

"I missed that," smiled Giles, looking down for a moment. "Oh, not so much your choice of words...well, yes, there's that, but your innocence when it comes to matters of the heart."

Buffy considered this, tilting her head as she looked at him.

"Huh?"

Giles smiled.

"Meditation, combined with other disciplines, some magicks and a few herbs, can be quite healing, both for the mind and the body. And useful in other ways, as my presence here demonstrates. Though I'm still not exactly sure how it happened," frowned Giles. But then he focused on Buffy. "Only that it feels so right to be here. We had begun to explore this as part of your advanced training, remember?"

"Umm...kinda," winced Buffy.

"Much of this was new to me. Oh, I had heard of certain techniques before, but to actually attempt them...I had hoped to learn, to master a few methods, so that if..."

Giles trailed off, suddenly embarrassed, angry with himself. Buffy averted her eyes, saddened by what he had said, knowing what he had meant.

"So that when I returned, I would be able to help you. That is, if you would take me back as your Watcher."

"Giles, you're still my Watcher. I didn't send you away. You left me!" accused Buffy, her voice rising.

"I know. And I'm sorry," sighed Giles. "You were relying on me too much. I thought you needed to be on your own for awhile, to learn to trust in yourself. It's part of growing up. It's how you become an adult."

Giles reached over and held Buffy's hand.

"Even adults can make mistakes," he said, not looking at her.

"I'm still mad at you," pouted Buffy. Giles nodded and almost smiled.

"Well, maybe not mad in an angry way, just mad in an I-miss-you-and-blame-you type of way," offered Buffy, trying not to smile.

"I miss you too," smiled Giles, letting go of her hand.

"You know, even in the mother country there is such a thing as a telephone," teased Buffy.

"Yes, I do suppose there is," laughed Giles.

"Um, I hate to spoil the moment, but you still haven't exactly explained the how yet," reminded Buffy.

"Oh, yes! You were close with the astral projection...thingy," explained Giles, sitting up straighter to ease into lecture mode. As he had done so many times in the past. "But this is more intense, more vivid than any dream. I am actually here, you can touch me. Unlike astral projection, when only one's essence would make the journey and I would appear transparent to you. But there's a catch."

"I knew it," whined Buffy.

"Though I'm not a dream, you can only see me when you're asleep. So this does have some drawbacks," conceded Giles.

"I'm asleep? Right now?" asked Buffy, glancing around the room.

"Yes," smiled Giles.

"But...it's so real!"

"You have no idea," grinned Giles.

And again Buffy felt that cold breeze from across the room.

"Shall we get back to why I'm here? We have a connection, you and I, more than just the bond between a Watcher and his Slayer. Maybe the Enjoining spell that Willow cast that time has something to do with it. I can't explain it. It's like trying to define love with words instead of the colors of emotion," sighed Giles.

And Buffy smiled, understanding. Giles reached out, hesitated, then softly pushed her hair from her eyes, resting his hand on the nape of her neck. Buffy stiffened slightly at his touch. This was a little more intimate than he had been with her in the past. But this was Giles.

"Buffy...what's wrong?" asked Giles, his voice so full of concern that Buffy felt a need to hold him.

Buffy chewed on her lower lip, unsure of herself. And then her eyes held his gaze and she knew everything would be alright. She would just have to trust him. Like she always had.

Spike ground the cigarette out under the heel of his boot and looked up at Buffy's window. He knew she was there. And so he waited.

A sudden movement caught his attention, up in the tree branches by her window. Barely noticeable, like a breeze through the leaves, someone could easily have missed it. But Spike had better eyesight at night than most humans had during the day.

And there was no breeze on this still night.

Spike took a step closer. And then another. He looked up with a puzzled look on his face, finding what he had been searching for. Perched on a branch just outside of her window was a large raven, darker than the black of the night around them. It twitched its neck, staring at him with one eye, its beak slightly open.

Spike lit another cigarette, never taking his eyes off of the bird. The bird flapped its wings once, settling back down on the branch. And it never stopped staring at Spike.

"Bloody hell," murmured Spike, bending down to pick up a rock, intending to throw it at the raven.

But when he looked up, it was gone.

She had spoken his name. If only Giles knew what an effort that had been, how difficult it was to utter that one word. But there it was, a confession...and so much more than that. And yet, looking at Giles, Buffy knew that he understood. There was no judgment, no anger, no sadness. This was about Buffy, about what had happened to her. It was not about her new lover.

"Spike," repeated Buffy, this time louder but no less sad.

She tried not to cry. She so tried, but she couldn't help it. Even as she closed her eyes she could see Spike's face...and even at this moment knew she wanted him. It was so much easier with the others not knowing, but here, now, with Giles beside her...the shame and the numbing pain and yes, even her longing washed over her. And Buffy cried, giving in to the sobs as the shook her body.

She felt his arms around her but couldn't look up at him. Giles didn't speak. He simply held her close, letting her cry.

And she remembered. It was more than a flashback. She was there, in his car, parked in front of her house...the air was crisp but not so cold that she could see her breath...she was as far away from him as she could be on the seat, almost leaning against the door, not looking at him yet knowing he was staring at her...the scent of his tweed jacket...and Buffy forced herself to look up at him.

"You, must be so disappointed in me," whispered Buffy.

And the moment was gone. She was back in her bed, her face pressed against his chest.

"No. No, I'm the one who let you down. Buffy, I'm so sorry," sighed Giles. "I should've been here."

Buffy tilted her head back, the darkness of the room not masking her fear.

"But you're here now. Don't go. Please...please don't," winced Buffy.

Again Giles touched her hair, running his fingers slowly through it. She felt him pushing her back and though she didn't resist, something felt...wrong. This was Giles. He was holding her. In her bed. And Buffy knew what was wrong.

This should feel awkward...but it didn't.

Her head eased back on her pillow and Giles again pulled her close.

"I'm here. I'm not going anywhere. Close your eyes, Buffy. Sleep. I'll watch over you," whispered Giles.

She closed her eyes and nuzzled closer, letting her tears dry on his shirt. His breath was soft on her forehead and the rhythm of his chest rising and falling eased her mind like the soft cadence of a gentle surf. Buffy didn't want sleep. Not now. Not when he was so close. But she was so tired. Wrapped in the warmth of his comfort, she didn't feel the cold breeze as it barely pushed aside the curtains by the window.

And Giles smiled.

"Morning, Buffy! Want some eggs? Made 'em sunny side up," grinned Willow, glancing up from the frying pan.

"Morning," repeated Buffy, rubbing her eyes. "You're awfully chipper for so early...how early is it, anyway?"

Buffy yawned and stared at the clock, trying to bring it into focus.

"It's almost nine o'clock!" yelled Buffy. "Dawn! She's going to be late for school!"

"Not to worry. I made sure she was up and out the door on time. With a big breakfast, I might add," said Willow.

"You got Dawn to eat breakfast? You been dabbling in magic again?" asked Buffy suspiciously.

"Nope, I'm dabble free," answered Willow proudly, flipping the eggs from the frying pan onto a plate. "But I think we need more eggs."

Buffy only now noticed two other plates on the counter. One had scrambled eggs on it and the other had two eggs over easy. Slowly looking back at Willow, Buffy tried not frown.

"Helps if I keep busy," shrugged Willow. "And I wasn't sure how you liked your eggs. Oh, Dawn ate the last of the bacon."

"Let's start with coffee," mumbled Buffy, again yawning.

"What's with the sleepy? Dawn said you went to bed kinda early and I let you sleep in this morning. Some vampire tiring you all out?" asked Willow, pulling two coffee cups out of the cupboard.

"What? Oh. Um, no to the tired vampire. I guess I must've been tossing and turning a lot. Just tired...I guess," commented Buffy as she watched Willow pour the two cups full with coffee. And she was smiling the whole time.

"Hey, leave some room for the cream," warned Buffy.

"Oops. Sorry," winced Willow.

"And you sure you need coffee? You seem awfully...bouncy," said Buffy.

"Oh, I'm just in a good mood. Don't you remember what we're doing today?" hinted Willow, handing Buffy her cup. Buffy thought for a moment and then smiled.

"Ah, mysterious happiness explained. We're going with Anya to try on our wedding dresses. The entire wedding party," nodded Buffy.

"You're right!" said Willow, slapping her forehead and trying to look surprised. "That means Tara is going to be there! I'm so glad you reminded me, 'cause I haven't even washed my hair yet."

Buffy smiled and looked down into her cup, just now remembering that she hadn't added the cream and sugar yet.

"We're picking Dawn up right after school. Get some eggs before they get cold," ordered Willow.

Buffy was about to protest but the telephone rang.

"I'll get it," said Willow, reaching for the phone before Buffy could move.

"Hello? Tara! Hey, good morning! Say, um, you wouldn't be hungry, would ya? I made a big breakfast and...oh. Oh, that's...no, I'm sure she'll understand. I'll tell her. Okay. Yeah. You too."

Willow looked at the phone in her hand for a moment and then slowly hung it up. She kept her back to Buffy and didn't turn around.

"Willow? What's wrong?" asked Buffy, putting her cup down on the counter.

"Tara has a make up test to take. So she can't be there this afternoon. She, um...she said to tell Anya that she'll go tonight. On her own," sighed Willow.

Buffy stepped next to Willow and put her hand on her shoulder.

"I'm sorry," frowned Buffy.

"No big," whispered Willow, attempting a brave smile. "It's not like it was going to be a date or anything."

"And we don't even know what color these dresses are or, or anything about them. At all! You wouldn't want to wear something hideous in front of her, would you?" encouraged Buffy.

"You think they're going to be hideous?" winced Willow.

"Aren't they always?" sighed Buffy. "Then again, you could wear a burlap bag and Tara wouldn't notice. She'd only see you."

Willow smiled and turned to face Buffy.

"I hear burlap is the new color for spring," said Willow.

"It does go well with your hair," added Buffy.

"Thanks," whispered Willow, hugging Buffy. "Though it would've been fun trying on clothes in the undressing room."

"You know, I think they call that the dressing room," laughed Buffy.

"Depends on your perspective," grinned Willow, leaning back. Buffy rolled her eyes.

"Go get in the shower. I'll clean up here."

"You sure?"

"Positive," nodded Buffy firmly. "And thanks for getting Dawnie off to school. I feel like I didn't even sleep!"

Buffy turned and faced the sink. It was full of dishes. With a sigh she picked up her cup and took a sip and then scowled as she tasted the black coffee. Finally adding the cream and sugar, she glanced at the phone as she stirred a spoon in the cup. She bit her lower lip and peered around the corner. The hall was empty.

Buffy picked up the phone, hesitated, then placed it back down again. She stared at it, her hand absently tapping on the counter. And then she picked up the phone again and quickly dialed the number.

Willow had made it to the top of the stairs before she remembered that she had left her shampoo by the kitchen sink last night. Shaking her head, she turned and walked back down the stairs. Hearing Buffy talking, she paused just around the corner from the kitchen, leaning her back against the wall. She felt guilty about listening in, but Buffy was whispering. And she had said Tara's name.

"Hi Tara. It's me, Buffy. Can you hear me? Willow's upstairs and I didn't want her to hear. No. No, I'm really not. Um, last night you said if I ever needed to talk, that, uh, I could call you. And, wow, I really need to talk. No, no nothing's wrong...well, that's not entirely true. See, um, these feelings I'm having...Tara, I'm more confused now than when you left last night."

Willow's eyes opened wide. She held her breath.

"Something happened last night. Tara...I need to see you. I know this is awkward, and I feel awful about going behind Willow's back but...what? Yes, she has a class at eleven. Okay. We can be alone then."

Willow's eyes were as wide as saucers.

"I'll leave the front door open. If I don't answer it, I'll be in bed so just come on up. I feel like I didn't get any sleep last night. Yes, you can wake me up. Okay. Thanks, Tara. You don't know what this means to me. Bye."

Willow remembered to breathe but didn't move. She scrunched her eyebrows together, trying to make sense of what she had just heard.

"Buffy...Buffy likes...no, no Buffy doesn't...she wouldn't! She likes boys and, and...and hasn't had a date since, well, since the last time I had a date but...Tara? No, no, that can't...wait. Buffy came back. Maybe Buffy came back different...isn't that what Anya said? But...this different? With having feelings and having Tara and, and no, there should be no having of Tara and, and...Buffy!" shouted Willow, much louder than she had intended.

Buffy was standing in front of her with her head tilted to one side.

"Willow? Um, how long have you been standing there?" asked Buffy cautiously.

"Um...not long. How long have you been standing there?" winced Willow.

"Huh?"

"Shampoo! I, uh, I left the shampoo. By the sink. Last night. And, and I have to get it if I want to wash my hair," explained Willow excitedly.

Buffy stared at Willow.

"But you know, why bother? I mean, if Tara isn't going to be there, then, then I'll...I'll just wear a hat," nodded Willow emphatically.

"Will...are you okay?"

"Never been better. Just don't feel like struttin' my stuff, is all. So, so I guess I'll go now. To look for that hat," announced Willow. She turned and only took one step before spinning around to confront Buffy.

"Buffy, do you like hats?"

"Huh?"

"Do you like hats?" repeated Willow.

"Um, I really hadn't thought about it much. I'm not against hats or anything. But they really don't do much for me," shrugged Buffy.

"Oh really?" asked Willow, raising her eyebrows.

"Oh, but they look good on you," added Buffy, somewhat confused over the conversation they were having.

"Well, I'm very comfortable with hats now, thank you very much. I'll admit that I thought about hats for a while and I wasn't sure if I liked hats, but after trying one on that really caught my eye I found I liked hats. A lot. Preferred them, you might say," nodded Willow.

"Obviously," frowned Buffy. "Preferred them...to what?"

"Well, to the opposite of hats," offered Willow.

"And that would be..."

"No hats," explained Willow. Suddenly an idea occurred to her and smiled excitedly. "Oh! You know, maybe you'd be more open minded about hats if you found the right one! Something new. Someone...I mean, some hat you haven't seen before."

Buffy fixed her eyes on Willow with a blank stare.

"You shouldn't be afraid to try something new. I mean, you just never know, you know?"

"Um..."

"Just make sure it's really new. A hat you haven't seen before. And not one that's someone else has already tried on," smiled Willow.

"Willow?"

"Yes?"

Buffy hesitated. She knew something was bothering Willow but she didn't have a clue as to what. Her best friend was smiling and yet at the same time looked like she might at any moment break down into tears. At the drop of a hat, thought Buffy, trying not to smile. Buffy took a deep breath.

"I'm a little confused about...hats...at the moment," cringed Buffy.

"Oh, that's understandable. But you would tell me if you liked hats, right? I mean, Buffy, I'm your best friend!" pleaded Willow.

Buffy took another deep breath.

"Will, how much coffee did you have this morning?" asked Buffy, putting a hand on Willow's arm.

"Either not enough or too much," sighed Willow.

"Thought so."

Buffy reached out and pulled Willow in with a hug. Willow's eyes widened a bit but then she relaxed and returned the embrace.

"Things will get better soon. You'll see. I promise," smiled Buffy, stepping away.

Willow nodded, her face tinged with red.

"Say, does Tara like new hats?" asked Buffy cautiously.

Willow stiffened, at first seeming offended but then narrowed her eyes suspiciously.

"Maybe. Maybe not," replied Willow before she turned and stormed off.

"Okay, those two have so got to get back together," said Buffy, shaking her head.

Buffy glanced at the clock as she walked into her room. Only half an hour until Tara would be there, but she was so tired and her bed beckoned. Buffy walked over to her open window and reached up to close it. Her hand rested on the window for a moment...and she changed her mind, leaving it open.

Collapsing onto the bed, Buffy closed her eyes and smiled. She stretched out her arms, snuggling down, the covers yielding to her body. A gentle breeze wafted in, soft like a lover's touch on her skin, silent like a bird in flight.

Buffy sprung up into a sitting position. The room was quiet. Too quiet. He was so still that he blended in with the shadow of her open closet door. But she knew he was there even before her eyes focused upon him.

"So it wasn't a dream," commented Buffy, more to herself than to her visitor.

"No. You know it wasn't. Though I must say that I'm surprised to be here again so soon," said Giles, moving away from the closet and sitting on the edge of her bed no more than an arm's reach away.

"So why did you come back?"

"Buffy, I can't reach out to you. You're the one who summoned me," explained Giles, gesturing with his open hands rather than a shrug.

"But, but I didn't," protested Buffy.

"If you say so," smiled Giles as he lowered his hands. Buffy glanced around the room.

"So I'm asleep?" frowned Buffy in wonder.

Giles nodded.

"And if I got up and walked out that door..."

"If you move away from your corporeal body you will most likely wake up. Though with some practice you can...leave, perhaps for extended periods."

"Oh," nodded Buffy, though she still didn't understand. She stared at him and didn't break eye contact when he stared back.

"Giles, if you want to help me, why don't you just come back? Even if it's only for a little while," added Buffy quickly.

Giles stood up and lowered his head, averting his eyes from her. He looked up once but then turned his back to her.

"Giles?"

"Can't you...don't you know how difficult this is for me? Do you have any idea how many times I picked up the phone and just held it helplessly in my hand, unable to even dial the first number?" he sighed, still with his back to her. He heard her move to get up out of the bed and he turned to face her. Buffy froze. For a moment his teeth had been clenched in anger...hadn't they? But now Buffy only saw grief of such depth it went beyond sadness.

"I didn't come to you of my own free will," whispered Giles, swallowing. "But your pain is greater than mine, and I couldn't help myself. I needed to be here."

"Giles, what's wrong? I know you and, and this isn't...I mean, if something was wrong, you'd tell me! Giles...talk to me," pleaded Buffy.

Giles exhaled a silent laugh. He walked over to the bed and sat down behind her. Buffy watched him out of the corner of her eye.

"You're tense. Relax. You're going to wake yourself up," said Giles, his voice now soft and soothing. Buffy sat back down next to him and inhaled sharply as his hands touched her neck. She tensed but then slowly closed her eyes as Giles began to massage first her neck and then her shoulders. She inhaled again, this time slower, induced by pleasure and not fear. And her body remembered his touch as her Watcher worked her taut muscles, calming her as he had done after some many training sessions before.

"You know me?"

"Yes. And you know me. We're, we're so much alike. And not just because of the time we've spent together," sighed Buffy.

"So then you know that I'm capable of?"

Was it her imagination or did his fingers feel tighter against her throat?

"The others didn't tell you, did they?"

"Tell me...what?" moaned Buffy, confused but leaning into his hands.

"After you...after you climbed up after Dawn..."

Giles lowered his hands but Buffy didn't turn to face him.

"You had weakened Glory so much after your fight that Ben had the strength to emerge. I knew that, if he were allowed to live, Glory would come after you again."

Buffy slowly turned her head to face him, dreading what he was about to say.

"He was helpless. It didn't matter. I suffocated him," grimaced Giles.

Buffy took a deep breath and shook her head.

"So?"

Giles mouth opened. He didn't speak. Buffy raised her eyebrows at him.

"Buffy, it was cold blooded murder!"

"Yes. It was. And I would've done the same. I was going to," added Buffy coldly.

"But you didn't!"

"No. But only because I didn't want to take the time. I had to make sure Dawn was okay first. Giles, I'm sorry you had to do that for me!" winced Buffy. She reached up and put a hand on his cheek.

"But I would've come back to finish. I, uh, just got a little sidetracked, you know?" smiled Buffy, almost laughing.

"I don't believe you," whispered Giles, shaking his head.

"Why? I tried to kill Faith, remember?"

"That was..."

"Different? Giles, why do you think I was so angry with you when you left? The choices I have to make...it's not possible to do what I have to do and not have it affect me. You of all people should've known that!" shouted Buffy, pulling back her hand.

Buffy wiped a tear away from her eye, not even realizing that she was crying. Giles leaned closer in so that their faces almost met.

"When you beat down Glory...when you stuck that knife into Faith...did you enjoy it? Did the moment bring you pleasure?" glared Giles.

"Wh-what?" whimpered Buffy.

"I enjoyed killing Ben. I'd do it again. Where's this chilling numbness you've spoken of before? So you see, you and I...we're not so alike after all, are we?" challenged Giles.

Buffy closed her eyes and felt him rise from the bed. She opened her eyes but didn't turn to face him.

"Yes, I did," whispered Buffy.

Giles looked back over his shoulder at her, unsure if he had heard her correctly.

"I did enjoy it," gasped Buffy.

And still neither of them would dare a glance at the other.

"It may only last a moment but...it's just so intense. And you don't forget. You can't. It's burned into you. So you can either try to block it out of your mind, ignore what you see when you close your eyes...or, like Faith, you surrender to it and let it consume you," sighed Buffy.

The room was so quiet. Buffy finally did turn to face Giles and he looked at her.

"So that's why you never once visited Faith in the hospital. All those months..."

"I couldn't. I, I just couldn't. It was easier to pretend...well, sometimes it was. So don't tell me that we're not alike," said Buffy, raising her voice.

Giles nodded his assent.

"Giles, I don't buy the needing time to grow up part. Yeah, okay, there's some truth in that...but that can't be the only reason that you left. It can't be," lamented Buffy.

Giles took a deep breath and slowly let it out. He winced, obviously torn about what to do, what to say. Buffy stood, stepping in front of him and looked up. Her face revealed that she was no longer angry. No, if anything she looked frightened. And that shook him more than anything she could have said.

"Giles, I need you. You're my Watcher," choked Buffy, her hand absently touching his arm. "And so much more than that."

"I guess we are alike. After all, we withhold things, we keep our secrets from one another..."

"Why?" asked Buffy simply.

"Because sometimes it's easier to pretend. The truth can be harsh, perhaps even painful," hinted Giles, trying to hide his anguish.

"You said my pain was greater than yours. So you admit you are in pain. Giles, talk to me. Please!"

"Buffy, I, I can't. I..."

"Why not? Giles, it's me," said Buffy, her arms slipping behind him around his waist. And now Buffy felt him tense at her touch. She gave him a questioning glance but fought the urge to ask, to say aloud the words. Instead she tried to encourage him by smiling.

"Because...because I have feelings for you," answered Giles, closing his eyes.

"So? I have...oh. Oh, you mean...oh," cringed Buffy, dropping her arms. Giles opened his eyes. Even without his words those eyes would've been confession enough.

"And by your reaction I was wise not to tell you. Buffy, I'm sorry. I betrayed your trust in me."

Giles turned and walked over to the open window, staring out. For a moment Buffy thought she heard the sound of flapping wings.

"No. No, that's not fair. You just...I mean...Giles! You just dumped this on me. I haven't even had a chance to..."

"You don't need a chance," reprimanded Giles, turning to face her. His voice was stern but his face was despondent. His anger had been directed at himself. His next words came as a weak whisper. "I'm just a foolish old man."

Giles ran his hands through his hair. He took a step towards her and Buffy stepped back. Her Watcher reacted like he had been punched in the stomach.

"Oh, God, what have I done? I, I should go. I knew this would happen. You didn't need this, not now. You're struggling enough as it is without me and, and..."

Giles froze. Buffy was terrified. And this time it was because of him. She kept her eyes on him, tears running down her cheeks, unable to speak.

"I'm so sorry," whispered Giles.

"Giles...I didn't know. Why didn't you tell me?" asked Buffy weakly, her voice breaking. He walked over to her and stood in front of her. Buffy closed her eyes. He gently put a hand on her shoulder. She let him.

"Buffy, just tell me one thing. Last night, in my arms...what did you feel?"

Buffy winced, unable to look up at him. She kept her eyes closed.

"Safe," she whispered.

"Is that all?" asked Giles, the ache in his voice making Buffy flinch. He removed his hand.

Buffy couldn't hold back her tears even with her eyes closed. She leaned into him, resting her face against his chest.

"When Tara gets here you should tell her about me...about what happened."

"What? Why?" asked Buffy, aghast.

"Didn't you feel like a burden had been lifted from you after you told me about Spike? Buffy, you don't need any more...burdens."

He tried to pull away from her but Buffy held onto him tightly, burying her face against him.

"You're not a burden! You're not! I need you! We, we have to talk about this! I need you...I need you," cried Buffy, holding on even tighter.

"Buffy."

"No. Don't go! Not like this!"

"Buffy!"

Buffy opened her eyes and glanced up...at Tara. She opened her eyes wider, realizing that her face was pressed against Tara's chest. Buffy quickly let go and stumbled backwards, landing on her bed. Her eyes darted around the room. They were alone.

"Um...wow, that must've been some dream," offered Tara awkwardly.

Buffy wiped her eyes and then held her hand over her mouth as her face turned red. Tara shrugged but got no reply.

Part 3

"Buffy?" repeated Tara. "Hey, are you okay?"

"Huh? Oh, um, yeah. Yeah, I'm...I must've dozed off," shrugged Buffy, her face turning red. "Sorry about the, uh, well, the pressing of the nose and, um, you know...the nose pressing."

Tara smiled and sat down on the bed next to her.

"Trying to say you were sticking your nose where it didn't belong?" teased Tara.

Buffy rolled her eyes and smiled.

"It was a really intense dream. And it was so real," sighed Buffy, shaking her head.

"Wanna tell me about it?" offered Tara.

"I don't know," cringed Buffy. "It's kinda embarrassing."

"Embarrassing but real. Was it a prophetic dream? Oh, Willow told me about those. Have you had one since..."

Tara trailed off and looked away but Buffy touched her arm and made her look up.

"Since I came back? No. But I don't think it was one of those type dreams. It was...well, you know...I mean, I'm sure you've had them before, right?" hinted Buffy.

Tara stared at her blankly with her mouth slightly open.

"Okay, think Meg Ryan coming out of the shower in only a towel, but the towel comes undone and falls off," said Buffy, scrunching up her face.

"Oh! You mean..."

"Yeah," laughed Buffy.

"A sexual dream," smiled Tara.

Buffy nodded.

"Buffy...you were fantasizing about Meg Ryan?"

"Huh? Oh, no! I don't...I mean, not about girls...not that there's anything wrong with...no, I was just trying to..."

"I get it," winked Tara.

Buffy frowned and shook her head, causing Tara to laugh.

"Sorry, I couldn't resist," said Tara, covering her mouth with one hand.

"Tara?"

"Yes?" smiled Tara.

"Do I need to remind you that I have Slayer strength?" glared Buffy.

Tara bit her lip to keep from laughing.

"Is it raining out? Your hair is wet," said Buffy.

"Oh, no. I showered but I was running late so I came right over without drying my hair," explained Tara. "Oh, I must look...Buffy, what if I run into Willow? I don't want her to see me like this."

"You look fine. Trust me, you can go the sackcloth and ashes route and Willow would drool. Still..."

Buffy reached behind her and handed Tara a baseball cap.

"Take this. Riley left it here and I don't wear it much anyway. Oh, and I think Willow likes hats, too," smiled Buffy.

"Thanks," replied Tara, adjusting the cap on her head. "Buffy, I can't stay long. Why did you want to see me? You said something happened?"

Buffy took a deep breath and nodded at her.

"I had a dream last night, like...like the one you just walked in on," said Buffy, uncomfortably folding her hands in her lap.

"Go on," encouraged Tara.

"I wouldn't be worried about it except that they're so real. That and, um, well, I don't know how I feel about...this person," said Buffy, glancing at Tara. "I thought I knew but...he has feelings for me and, and I'm not sure how to deal with that. And see, it's not like I'm just watching what's going on. I'm an active participant, I can decide what happens, like I'm awake, you know? And I guess...I guess..."

"Buffy, it's normal to have these dreams," said Tara, putting a hand on Buffy's leg.

"It is?" asked Buffy weakly.

"Sure. You're in a new relationship and you have all these conflicting feelings. Of course your subconscious is going to try to figure things out," shrugged Tara.

Buffy pouted, unconvinced.

"I know you feel guilty about having these feelings, that you think it's wrong," said Tara.

Buffy raised her eyebrows slightly.

"And I'm not sure why these dreams are so real to you, but you being an active participant just tells me that you want control over something that you have no control over," said Tara.

"I do? Okay, yeah, that makes sense and everything but..."

Tara reached up and held Buffy's hand.

"Buffy. It's okay and it has nothing to do with coming back wrong. We're talking about very primal, basic emotions here, about pleasure and need. We don't choose to fall in love, it just happens. And sometimes the other person doesn't feel the same way. That doesn't make it wrong, for either person."

"I guess," agreed Buffy reluctantly.

"Can you put aside any preconceived notions about him, ignore for a moment what anyone else might think about this relationship and, honestly, tell me if he would make you happy?" asked Tara.

"I...I don't know. It all just happened so fast," sighed Buffy.

"He is cute, though I'm not the best judge of that, am I?" smiled Tara.

"What?"

"Spike. He's not my type, if you know what I mean," said Tara, still smiling.

Buffy stood up and walked over to her dresser. Keeping her back to Tara, she focused on the photograph of Giles.

"Tara, it wasn't..."

And she remembered his words, how Giles wanted Buffy to tell everyone about what had happened. Had almost insisted. But she also remembered the wounded look on his face, the anguish.

"In the dream, it wasn't..." whispered Buffy, resisting the urge to raise her hand and touch his face.

"It wasn't what, Buffy?" asked Tara. Buffy turned and faced her.

"Nothing. I'm just being silly. You know how all your fears and worries seem so much bigger at night? I'm sorry, I shouldn't have made you come all the way over here," grimaced Buffy. "The dreams were so vivid I was afraid maybe someone was using a spell and I couldn't have Willow check that out, what with her addiction and, and so of course I thought of you and I really need to stop and take a breath!"

Tara smiled and shook her head.

"Hey, I said that anytime you needed to talk, all you had to do was call," reassured Tara, standing up.

"I know. Thanks. Hey, it could be worse, right? I could be having nightmares instead of dreams! Dreams so clear and lucid that I remember taking off my top and when I woke up this morning it was on the floor!" laughed Buffy.

Tara didn't laugh. She first seemed confused, then worried.

"And he said to...he said...wait a minute. How did he know? How did he know that you were coming over here?" asked Buffy nervously. "I never mentioned it."

"Um...huh?"

"He..."

Buffy took a breath to calm herself.

"He said to tell you about us, to tell all the others. He wanted you to know."

Tara smiled. Buffy didn't notice but she actually looked relieved.

"Buffy, first of all, I already knew. And don't you see? It's you who wants everyone to know. Keeping this secret is stressing you out. You knew I was coming over. Your subconscious is trying to deal, that's all."

"Oh. Yeah, that makes sense," nodded Buffy, suddenly embarrassed.

"Unless...," began Tara, her eyes quickly opening wide. "Buffy, did he try to kiss you? In your dream, I mean. Did you kiss him?"

"No. Why?" asked Buffy.

"Um, it's nothing. No, no it may be something. But I need to research something first. Just promise me you won't kiss him. In your dream, I mean."

"So not a problem," mumbled Buffy to herself. "Um...why no smoochies?"

"I'll explain later. But...hey, don't worry. It's not like you'll fall asleep before tonight. Buffy, I really have to get to class," frowned Tara, glancing at her wristwatch.

"Okay. If you have time later I'm having the gang over for dinner tonight. Why don't you come?" asked Buffy.

"Thanks. I'll, I'll think about it," shrugged Tara.

"Oh. Sorry, I didn't mean to...I mean, Willow will be there and I know..."

"I'll think about it," interjected Tara. Buffy nodded

Tara wanted to leave but hesitated and Buffy gave her a questioning stare.

"Buffy, about...just remember what I said. If your lips feel tempted, think of...Willow!" squeaked Tara, suddenly noticing the redhead standing in the doorway.

"Think of...oh!" shouted Buffy. "Willow, you're back early!"

"My class was canceled," said Willow slowly, her eyes darting back and forth from Tara to Buffy.

"Oh," smiled Buffy awkwardly.

"Tara...why are you wearing Buffy's baseball cap?" asked Willow warily.

"My...oh, her hair was wet since she didn't have time to dry it and so I offered and, and...she took me up. On my offer," added Buffy.

"What she said," nodded Tara. "Never know who you might run into."

Willow raised her eyebrows.

"Tara, why are you here? I thought you had class," said Willow.

"I do. And if I don't leave now I'm going to be late so...I'd better go," nodded Tara again.

"But..."

"Tara was helping me. We were, we were...doing spells together," announced Buffy.

Willow's eyebrows moved up a little higher.

"Well, not actual spells," said Tara. "Buffy's not..."

"Not what?" asked Willow, hands on her hips.

"A witch," answered Tara, taken aback. "I was just telling her some simple commands that could interrupt a spell. If she heard one. Being cast, that is. You know, power words."

"And I couldn't ask you because, well, magicks, ya know? Wouldn't want to rub your nose in it. And you're doing so good Will. Tara, you should be real proud of her," said Buffy.

Tara tried to smile but couldn't.

"I'd better...bye," she said, quickly leaving. Willow looked down as Tara walked by her.

"Call me," yelled Buffy, not getting an answer.

"If your lips feel tempted?" said Willow, not looking up.

"Oh, um, right...lips...form words and you pronounce words, so Tara was just making sure I pronounced the words correctly. With my lips. Could be a disaster if you said the wrong thing and messed up a spell. But you know all about that," said Buffy, forcing a laugh.

Willow looked up with a hurt look on her face.

"Oh! Not that you...I'm sorry, you know what I mean. Hey I've got to go shopping. Need some grapes and apples and pears for later, thought we'd have everyone over after trying on the dresses, go the cheese and cracker routine. I invited Tara. Maybe she'll come," smiled Buffy encouragingly.

Willow nodded but didn't smile.

"So...gotta go. See ya in a bit," said Buffy.

"Bye," replied Willow as Buffy left. She stood there for a moment, staring at the bed.

"Grapes and apples and pears, oh my! Forbidden fruit metaphor?" sighed Willow. "Why did I cut that class anyway?"

She took her cap off, held it in her hand for a moment, then walked to her room.

Tara walked quickly, her eyes on the sidewalk, and only glanced up every so often to watch for traffic. Approaching a street corner, she noticed a large raven perched in a tree to her right. She smiled, appreciating the beauty of the bird, and watched it as she walked past the tree.

Tara's smile faded as she watched the raven. It followed her, slowly turning its head to keep her in sight, its unblinking eyes never once looking away. Tara turned her head and walked just a little faster until she reached the corner and stopped, looking back over her shoulder. The bird was gone. She searched the surrounding trees and even turned completely around, looking up at the sky. But the raven was gone. She took a deep breath, turned, looked both ways and crossed the street.

Laughing to herself for being startled by a bird, Tara went back to watching the sidewalk. She glanced at her watch and was satisfied that she could make her class in time, always hating to be late for anything. Still smiling, she looked up as she came near the next street corner. And she stopped smiling. Tara forced one foot in front of the other and slowly kept moving, keeping her eyes on a raven that was perched atop the stop sign next to her. Even more disturbing was that because of its size, Tara suspected this was the same bird.

Like before, the dark bird slowly turned its head, staring at her as she walked past. She was not more than three feet from it but the raven bravely didn't fly away. Its beak was open and Tara flinched when it made a clicking sound with its tongue. Wide-eyed, she didn't dare take her eyes from it and was about to mutter a protective ward when the sound of a car horn made her jump. The driver yelled something at her and she screamed as the car went by in a blur. Without realizing it she had stepped into the street and had almost been hit by the car.

Tara looked up at the stop sign. The raven was gone.

"Buffy, you said we were having something different to eat tonight," said Dawn, standing in front of the open refrigerator. "So...where is it? More importantly, what is it?"

"I'm going to cook on the grill outside. You know, barbecue?" said Buffy as she sliced an apple.

"Barbecue what?" asked Dawn suspiciously.

"I brought some hamburger patties and chicken home from work," replied Buffy, stifling a yawn.

"Buffy! That's all we ever eat!" winced Dawn.

"Yeah, but I'm cooking it here so it's...different," suggested Buffy. Dawn let out a deep sigh.

"At least we're having shrimp cocktail. Guess I could fill up on that," said Dawn, looking back into the refrigerator. "Um...I see the cocktail sauce...where's the shrimp?"

"We're having poor man's shrimp cocktail," explained Buffy.

"Poor man's...I'm afraid to ask," cringed Dawn, shutting the refrigerator door. Buffy reached into the sink and held up a head of cauliflower.

"You've got to be kidding me," moaned Dawn.

"Hey, put enough cocktail sauce on it and you'll never taste the difference. Wanna help?" asked Buffy cheerfully.

"Sure," agreed Dawn, her shoulders sagging in defeat as Xander and Anya walked into the kitchen.

"Hey guys! What's cooking?" asked Xander.

"Don't ask," complained Dawn, washing the cauliflower in the sink. "Too bad Willow couldn't twitch her nose or say sis-boom-baa or something and conjure us up some real food."

"Dawnie, you know she's on the magic wagon, so to speak," reminded Xander as he stole a slice of apple from under Buffy's half-hearted glare.

"Besides, sis-boom-baa isn't a real spell," corrected Anya.

"I only meant...," began Dawn.

"It's the sound of a sheep exploding," smiled Anya, stealing a slice of apple.

Dawn turned off the water, grinning but not sure if she should laugh at the joke or be afraid.

"And I know from exploding sheep, let me tell you," nodded Anya. "There was this shepherd, oh, way back when. Well, he was a shepherd until I turned him into a sheep. Ironic. And funny...at the time."

"Honey, that's abominable! Poor sheep," laughed Xander uncomfortably and reaching for another apple slice but getting a warning slap on the wrist from Buffy.

"No, a bomb in a bull would be an exploding dairy product...though I guess you can't get milk from a bull," said Anya, tilting her head in thought.

"I don't know, but you might get one happy bull," added Xander.

"Exploding cows? That's an udder disaster," said Dawn, trying not to laugh.

"I knew it!" yelled Buffy.

"Knew what?" asked Xander.

"This is hell. I came back, and I'm in hell. Enough with the barnyard humor already!" begged Buffy.

"Yeah, it's unbelievable. Get it? Un-believe-a-bull?" giggled Dawn as she put the cauliflower on the counter, glancing out the window over the sink as she did.

"And don't mention magic in front of Willow. She's doing really good. Oh, and hats. Don't mention hats," added Buffy, ignoring Dawn's joke.

"Hats?" asked Anya.

"Trust me," replied Buffy, rolling her eyes.

"Oh, Russell is here!" said Dawn excitedly.

"Russell? You invited a boy from school over?" asked Buffy, peering out the window over Dawn's shoulder.

"No, silly! Russell is a crow. Russell crow, get it? He's been hanging around here the past few days. He's not afraid of people. I mean, you can almost walk right up to him and he doesn't fly away. I'm trying to get him to eat some bread but he doesn't seem interested," shrugged Dawn. "See, he's up in that tree."

"Yeah. But how do you know that's the same bird?" asked Buffy, quickly losing interest.

"Or how do you know it's a he? Maybe he's a she. Not that it makes a difference from a feeding standpoint, but how do you tell the difference?" asked Anya.

"Well, you need to see two of them together. Then the one that's cawing at the other one would be the female," said Xander. Anya and Buffy stared at him menacingly.

"Xander, are you saying that I nag you?" demanded Anya.

"What? No! Of course not," grinned Xander nervously. Just then Willow ran into the kitchen.

"Buffy! There's something you should see!" said Willow, nodding back at the television in the other room. Everyone followed her back into the living room.

"Police aren't releasing the name of the victim yet, but it's believed that she was a student at the University of Sunnydale. Though she was found not far from campus in an area frequented by the homeless, foul play, while not being ruled out, is not suspected. From the puncture wounds on her throat an attack by a wild animal is speculated as being the most likely cause of death, sometime late last night."

"I know those woods," said Buffy, her eyes fixed on the television. "The cave where I found Adam is very close by."

"You thinking vampire? So why don't we go have a look. If I drive, we can be back in time for you to cook," said Xander.

"Sounds good. Nothing like a little slaying to warm up the old appetite," said Buffy happily.

"Oh, I need to grab some bridal magazines from the car first," said Anya, already heading for the door.

"Meet you outside," said Xander, nodding to Buffy.

"Be right there. I need to grab a stake," answered Buffy.

"Buffy, this is terrible. What are we going to do?" winced Willow, keeping her voice low.

"Um, I gonna make a quick sweep, see if I can find this vamp holed up in the area..."

"No! I mean about the dresses! Have you ever seen...and the color...come on, what was she thinking? Was she thinking at all?" whined Willow.

"I kinda liked the color," shrugged Dawn. Both Buffy and Willow looked at Dawn. Buffy seemed surprised. Willow looked frightened.

"Hey, it's her wedding and we have to make Anya happy. Those two are stressed out enough as it is without us complaining. Have you seen how much Xander's been eating lately? He'll never fit into his tux!" sighed Buffy.

Willow and Dawn glanced at one another but Willow still frowned.

"Besides, it's not like we'll ever wear them again, right?" tried Buffy weakly.

"Oh, I don't know. That dress might come in handy if I, say, have to raise someone from the dead again?" pouted Willow, her voice heavy with sarcasm.

"Okay, I'm back," announced Anya, looking at the magazines in her hand. "That Xander! He must've got one of his sport magazines mixed in with my stuff. Well, Willow might like this one. It's the swimsuit issue."

Anya held it up, smiling, and Buffy grabbed it from her hand.

"You know, I need a new suit. Maybe I'll find something I like in here," said Buffy, flipping through a few pages. "Oh, Willow, what do you think?"

Willow leaned in and nodded her approval.

"She's cute," smiled Willow, watching Buffy out of the corner of her eye to gauge her reaction.

"Hmm, you know, she is! Killer abs, too. But what about the suit?" asked Buffy.

"Um, Buffy? Vampire. Xander. Car," said Dawn.

"On it," nodded Buffy, embarrassed. She handed Willow the magazine and walked away.

Willow looked at the girl in the swimsuit and then looked back at Buffy as she ran upstairs. Dawn gave her a puzzled look and Willow smiled awkwardly at her as she closed the magazine.

Buffy yawned again and Xander frowned at her.

"Sorry."

"Huh?" asked Buffy, her hand still over her mouth.

"I must be boring the hell out of you. That's the third, no, fourth time you've yawned since we left," teased Xander.

"It's not you. You're anything but boring, Xander. I just didn't sleep good, I guess," said Buffy.

"Well, here we are. Does sleepy girl want some backup?" asked Xander.

"Nah. I can handle one vamp even if I'm sleepwalking. Besides, this won't take long. The Initiative sealed off their tunnels and this cave really isn't that big."

"Take this just the same," said Xander, reaching into his glove compartment and pulling out a flashlight. He handed it to her.

"Thanks," smiled Buffy, trying her best not to yawn again.

Tara closed the musty smelling book and glanced back at another that was open on the table in front of her. She reread a paragraph again and glanced over at the phone on the wall with a frown. After searching through a few books her fears that Buffy was facing something supernatural diminished but yet something bothered her about what had happened. Still, better to be safe than sorry. Tara got up and almost made it to the phone when she glanced at a photo of her and Willow on her desk. She smiled, recalling the moment when the photo was taken.

Remembering Buffy's invitation, Tara ignored the phone, grabbed her jacket and headed out for the Summers home.

Buffy swung the flashlight around in an arc, then brought it back slowly, looking down at the dirt of the cave floor. She could still see without the aid of the light as she wasn't that far from the mouth of the cave but she needed the flashlight to look for clues, little hints that something was out of place. Like darker marks in the disturbed dirt, a trail that would reveal that someone had recently walked in here. Buffy knelt down, touching the damp earth.

She crumbled the dirt between her fingers, but instead of concentrating on the task before her, she thought of Spike. Spike had been here. And she had found him when she had been looking for Adam. Spike would've wanted Adam to kill her, would've done it himself if it hadn't been for the chip. But that was then. Now...she knew that should bother her, but somehow it didn't.

Buffy let the earth fall from her fingers and wiped her hand on her pants as she stood up. She yawned and followed the trail deeper into the cave. It was darker here. Much darker. Buffy took another step and pulled the stake from her back pocket but kept her hand out of sight behind her.

She was no older than fifteen, maybe even fourteen. Younger than Dawn, thought Buffy. The girl sat with her back against the cold stone, her arms wrapped around knees as if to keep warm. Her eyes were red from crying...and she looked scared. Very scared. Buffy knelt down slowly, keeping the flashlight on her face. So young. It was easy to imagine what had happened. The girl was a newbie, alone, lost, not yet even fully understanding what had happened to her. Probably had been caught out in the open with daylight only moments away, she had sought shelter here.

Driven by hunger, she had attacked that student. Driven by the approaching dawn, she had tried to hide. Buffy could almost feel pity for the creature. Almost. The girl shivered and looked away from her. Buffy knew she wasn't cold. She was hungry.

"I understand what you're going through, what's happened. And I want to help," said Buffy softly.

"You can't help. No one can," spat the girl, still not looking at her.

"Yes, I can. But you have to trust me," said Buffy, putting the flashlight down by her side, the light now highlighting the girl in shadow, her skin seemingly even paler now. Yet this only made her seem more vulnerable...almost human.

She looked up at Buffy, her eyes wanting to believe what she had been told. She bit her lower lip and shivered as a chill again gripped her small body. Yes, she wanted to believe, wanted to be held, comforted...she needed this and yet again looked away.

"What's your name?" whispered Buffy.

The girl swallowed once and hesitated, as if it was an effort to remember who she was. Who she had been.

"Sarah," she whispered in reply, still not looking at Buffy. And then she repeated her name again, only a little louder, as if she remembered, as if she believed what she had said.

"Sarah," she answered, turning her head, her mouth almost allowing a smile.

Buffy smiled for her.

"I'm sorry," winced Sarah.

Sarah sprung forward and knocked Buffy onto her back. The Slayer had been prepared for this, had expected it and yet was a breath too slow in reacting. The stake slipped from her hand as she wrestled with the vampire on top of her. Sarah growled, her human face gone, morphed into her demon visage. The vampire's fangs almost reached Buffy's neck before she shifted her weight and rolled them both onto their sides.

But the vampire held on.

Buffy tried to elbow her in the face but Sarah easily blocked the blow. Her hands grasped Buffy's throat and squeezed. The Slayer held her wrists but was unable to pull the vampire's hands free. Amazed at Sarah's strength, Buffy kneed her in the groin, loosening her grip enough for Buffy to break free, adding a head butt as she rolled away. Buffy tried to stand but the vampire was quicker...and actually lifted Buffy up to slam her into the wall, knocking the wind out of her with a gasp.

Wincing, Buffy tried to push off, expecting her to go for her neck again. Instead Sarah backhanded her across the face and brought her knee up hard into Buffy's stomach. Buffy managed to hold on as she doubled over, pulling the vamp down with her. But Sarah slapped Buffy's hands aside and rolled, springing up into a crouch, turning to glare at Buffy, now on her back and looking up in pain. Saliva drooled from the corner of Sarah's mouth as she smiled.

Just for a moment the vampire's eyes opened wide in confusion. And then she exploded into dust. Xander now stood over Buffy, stake in hand. He didn't smile as he extended his hand to help Buffy up.

Buffy just lay there, staring up at him, trying to catch her breath.

"What happened?" asked Xander, lowering his hand but kneeling down beside Buffy.

"I...I don't know," winced Buffy, struggling up into a sitting position. "She hadn't been turned that long ago. She was hungry and, and weak. I should've kicked her ass but she was quicker than me!"

"And perhaps a tad stronger?" teased Xander, awkwardly trying to ease the tension.

"No. She wasn't stronger, I was weaker. I'm not just tired, Xander. I, I wasn't reacting fast enough. What the hell is going on?" sighed Buffy.

"Maybe you're coming down with something. I know, a little food will make you feel better. Let's talk about it over dinner, okay?" smiled Xander.

Buffy nodded but didn't smile.

Willow answered the door and her eyes lit up when she saw that it was Tara standing there.

"Tara!" smiled Willow. "You made it. Buffy said that you might come over but I didn't...I mean...um...hey, you look great!"

"Thanks. You..."

"Thanks."

"...too," finished Tara awkwardly. "Um...is Buffy here?"

"Uh, no. She had to go out. With Xander," explained Willow, no longer smiling. "But she'll be right back. Why don't you come in?"

Tara nodded but still stood there, trying not to show how uncomfortable she was being alone with Willow. With a sigh Willow stepped aside so that Tara wouldn't brush close by when she walked in. Nervous herself, she didn't pick up on Tara's discomfort.

"I don't bite," said Willow, encouraging Tara to move.

Tara smiled and came in.

"Well, unless you ask nicely," added Willow with a straight face. She turned and walked into the kitchen without watching for Tara's reaction. Dawn waved hello from behind Willow. Tara waved in return but she turned back to shut the door so that Dawn wouldn't see her blush. As Tara reached to shut the door Xander pulled up in front. Buffy opened her door even before the car came to a full stop.

Willow looked back over her shoulder, wondering why Tara hadn't followed her in. And then she saw Buffy. Dawn noticed Willow's shoulders slump and, unsure of what to do, tried to look busy. Buffy stopped at the door and smiled, happy to see Tara. Tara whispered something to her that Willow couldn't hear and Buffy, though still smiling, reluctantly nodded. Buffy glanced over at Willow and it was her turn to look busy in the kitchen.

"Um, Willow? I already washed those," said Dawn, nodding at some celery sticks.

"Well, you know, you can never be, um, too washed, right? I mean, what with all the pesticides they use nowadays," said Willow. "Nope, you can never be sure..."

Dawn watched Willow as she held the same piece of celery under the faucet, slowly turning it over and over in her hand under the running water. Willow watched Buffy and Tara out of the corner of her eye, still holding the same celery stick in her hand under the running water. Then Buffy stopped smiling. Tara whispered something else and she and Buffy both turned to look at Willow. Wide-eyed, Willow quickly looked away. Tara spoke to Buffy again, softly but not in a whisper.

"Hey, Tara! Glad to see you could make it," greeted Xander as he walked past. "Excuse me, ladies, but I have a date with a grill to keep."

"Thanks, Xander," said Buffy. She waited a moment for him to get out of earshot. "Tara, you want to go upstairs? I don't want the others to..."

They both their heads turned as the celery Willow was holding popped from her hands and fell to the floor. Dawn raised an eyebrow at her but Willow didn't look in her direction. In fact, Willow didn't move other than to turn the faucet off.

"I guess. But Buffy...I...I'm having, I mean, I'm uncomfortable with keeping this from Willow. We're trying to be honest with one another and, and I think she should know. We should tell her," nodded Tara.

"Not about..."

"No! No, of course not. I wouldn't...it's just...I mean, Willow and I, we're trying not to keep secrets from one another and, and this is really bothering me," winced Tara.

"It is?" asked Buffy.

"Oh, not the...not that," hinted Tara. "Just the keeping secrets from her part."

Buffy took a deep breath and gently then put a hand on Tara's arm.

"I'm sorry. With all that's been happening, I really hadn't thought about how this might affect her. Or you and her. Together. Not that you're together at the moment. Still, that doesn't mean I can...oh, I'm a bad friend," whined Buffy.

"No, Buffy, you're just, um, confused," comforted Tara.

"Willow! Can you come over here?" called Buffy.

Willow reached down and picked up the celery stick, tossing it back onto the plate with the rest of the celery. Dawn stared at her as she walked away, more than confused.

Willow stood in front of Tara and Buffy but didn't say anything. Buffy noticed that she was looking at her hand...which was still on Tara's arm. Buffy quickly let go and was about to speak when she noticed Dawn looking at them.

"Let's go outside, okay?" suggested Buffy, drawing a frown from Dawn. She turned and Willow followed her out onto the front porch. Tara shut the door behind them.

"Let's sit down," suggested Buffy, taking a deep breath. Tara sat down but Willow hesitated before taking a place between Buffy and Tara.

"So, where do we begin?" asked Tara, looking at Buffy as a cue for her to start.

"Willow, Tara and I, well, we...okay, not we. I. I've been keeping a secret from you. But I only did it because I didn't want to hurt you. Or get you upset," added Buffy, glancing at Tara. Willow sat there, eyes unfocused, not looking at either of them.

"This is so...Will, I feel really bad that I didn't tell you. Going behind your back like this..."

Willow sat up a little straighter but still didn't look at Buffy.

"You...you told Tara...but not me?" said Willow, looking everywhere but at Buffy or Tara.

"Willow, think of this from Buffy's point of view," said Tara.

"Think of what?" asked Willow, a little louder than she intended. She brought her hands together in her lap and began to rub her thumbs against one another.

"I had a dream. More than one, actually, about...about someone. It was so real, so vivid, I, I thought a spell was being used. Now I'm not so sure," said Buffy, again glancing up at Tara. Willow stopped rubbing her thumbs together.

"Buffy thought I might be able to detect a spell if it was being used on her. Which I probably could, of course. But since it involved magic..."

"I didn't want you involved," finished Buffy.

"Oh," nodded Willow, finally glancing at Buffy.

"You've been doing so good, why tempt you with something you can't have?" smiled Buffy.

Willow wrinkled her eyebrows together and looked away again.

"I thought an incubus might be involved. And there is a spell I can cast that would probably reveal its presence. But after what Buffy told me, I'm not so sure it is an incubus," frowned Tara.

"Why?" asked Willow, relaxing a little.

"Well, the incubus does come to someone in their sleep, but it's usually very unpleasant, more of a nightmare than a dream. He, um, forces himself upon his victim," said Tara carefully.

"And in my dream, well, first of all, nothing happened. Not even a smooch. And he insisted I tell Tara about...what happened," continued Buffy.

"An incubus wouldn't do that. It might threaten its victim with harm if they sought out help. Or the encounter might've been almost impossible to remember, suppressed until the memory was triggered by something later on," explained Tara.

"Oh. That's your secret? I knew something was going on. You two were, well...way obvious," laughed Willow. Buffy put an arm around Willow's shoulder.

"I was only thinking about you," said Buffy, giving her shoulder a squeeze. Willow leaned her head on Buffy's arm and smiled.

"Still, wouldn't hurt for me to do the spell. If there's no incubus, what harm could it do?" asked Tara.

"True," nodded Buffy.

"Want me to spend the night? If we kept the door closed, Willow wouldn't be able to hear what was going on in the bedroom. Still, she'd have to be a good girl and promise not to listen in," grinned Tara.

Willow sat up and eased herself from Buffy, trying to keep from looking at either Buffy or Tara. But Buffy wasn't looking at Willow. She was thinking of Giles, thinking that she had to talk to him again. Needed to see him again. And again she remembered that hurt look in his eyes.

"Um...I don't know, Tara. Why don't we wait? Let's see if I have another dream tonight first, okay?"

"You sure? It won't..."

"Yeah. I'd rather wait. No magic in the house unless it's absolutely necessary," said Buffy, patting Willow's back. Willow nodded and smiled in return. "Tara, why did you tell me not to kiss...him?"

"Oh, once an incubus makes physical contact, especially of the, er, intimate kind, it has more control over its victim. Like a thrall. Like..."

"Dracula," nodded Willow. "Gotcha."

"Just let me know if you change your mind. Need a spell done, I'm your girl," laughed Tara as she stood up.

"You're leaving? Aren't you hungry?" asked Willow, looking up.

"I'd better go. I still have to try on that dress and I've got some homework to finish up. But I meant what I said before."

Willow obviously didn't remember.

"Call me. We'll talk," reminded Tara, getting a weak smile from Willow. "Oh, how are the dresses? Did you like them?"

"Um, you need any help in the kitchen, Willow? It's getting late and I bet everyone's hungry," said Buffy, standing up.

"Help? No, I...oh, uh, actually I do. Need help. Celery. We have celery to wash!" said Willow, slapping a hand to her forehead as she stood.

"But, what about..."

"I'll call you," promised Willow, pulling Buffy into the house behind her by the hand.

"Bye," managed Buffy.

Tara began to wonder about the dresses.

Even though Buffy had never dialed the number she knew it, could recite it without hesitation. She had placed the paper he had written it on in a drawer, had refused to even look at it for a week after he left. That piece of paper was still there, somewhere in the back of the drawer, but Buffy only kept it because she liked his handwriting. Or at least that's what she told herself.

Buffy didn't hesitate when she picked up the phone. She had made her mind up about calling Giles even before last night. She just...hadn't found the right time. There was a pause after she hit the last number and Buffy wondered if she had dialed correctly but then the phone rang. And rang.

After twenty rings she hung up the phone. She glanced at the clock. It was late over there. Very late. Giles should be home. Or maybe he knew it was his Slayer that was calling and he didn't want to talk to her. Shaking her head, knowing she was being foolish, Buffy walked past the kitchen door to turn the light off.

She could go out. Dawn wouldn't even know. And he would be waiting for her. As he always was. And she always went to him. She looked out into the backyard, into the darkness of the night.

With a sigh Buffy went upstairs to get ready for bed.

Part 4

"Hello?"

"Hey. It's me."

"Hey. And I knew it was you, even before I picked up the phone."

"You did? Oh, did I wake you up? I'm sorry! I knew I shouldn't have..."

"Don't be silly. It's good to hear your voice."

There was a pause before she answered.

"Yes. It so is," she whispered. "You, um, seem so much more...what's the word..."

"Sleepy?"

"No, but now I know I woke you up. Um, how about relaxed? Earlier, when...well, you know."

"I know," she sighed. "And I'm sorry about that. It shouldn't be awkward, but...being around you..."

"I know, Tara. You don't have to...what I mean is...me too. With the sorry and the awkward and, and the...the..."

"I know," repeated Tara. And Willow could hear the smile in her voice. "But this is nice. And...safe, you know?"

"Oh yeah," agreed Willow, closing her eyes and pressing the phone just a little tighter against her cheek. "I didn't really have much to talk about. Just...wanted to hear your voice before I went to sleep."

There was another silence.

"I miss that," whispered Willow bravely, hoping Tara wouldn't hang up on her.

Again the silence.

"Is that all you miss?" came her whispered tease.

Willow's eyes popped open in surprise even as she smiled.

"Wow. Willow Rosenberg speechless. Let me pencil this is in on the calendar," laughed Tara.

Willow didn't answer.

"Hey. You still there?" asked Tara.

"Yeah. Just listening to your voice," replied Willow, grateful that Tara couldn't see her wiping her eyes. "Say, you're not worried about Buffy, are you? Kinda sounded like a nightmare to me and what with all she's been through, I don't think we should be looking to the supernatural first thing."

"I guess not. But we should keep an eye on her."

"You're serious, aren't you?" asked Willow, sitting up in bed.

"Yes. I am. One symptom to watch for is the victim always being tired. You saw her yawning today," reminded Tara.

"Sure, but Buffy doesn't keep normal hours. She's out late most every night patrolling and doing goddess knows what else. Lucky for her that Slayers don't seem to need as much sleep as us mere mortals," laughed Willow, somewhat envious.

"I guess," sighed Tara reluctantly, ignoring Willow's 'knows what else' comment. "And she did ask for help."

"Huh?"

"Willow, a victim of an incubus would deny any involvement or admit there was a problem, and usually get quite defensive and upset about it. So it's a good sign that Buffy asked for help. I'm not saying we should worry, especially since she said he was anything but aggressive and didn't try to kiss her. In fact he insisted that her friends should know about what happened. But...I don't know," shrugged Tara. "Just a feeling, I guess. Something that makes your tummy just a bit queasy, you know?"

"Did Buffy say what he looked like?"

"He...um, no. But I didn't ask, either," answered Tara, remembering that only she knew about Spike. And she suddenly realized that Buffy hadn't actually said it was Spike she had been dreaming about. "Sometimes these things can take the shape of someone the victim trusts or loves."

"Someone's been research girl," teased Willow approvingly.

"I might've opened a tome or two," admitted Tara proudly. "Some writings go back to the early thirteen hundreds. Say what you want to about the Church of the day, but they took these rumors seriously and probably drove off one or two real incubi."

"We'll just ignore the fact that they later burned witches for kicks," lamented Willow.

"It's too late to be bringing that subject up. I don't want you getting all upset and losing sleep without..."

Tara didn't finish. She didn't have to. They both knew she was going to say without me there to comfort you. Tara didn't regret what she almost said. It was just painful to bring it up.

"Well, I'll keep my eye on Buffy. You could always do that detection spell without her knowing it if that would make you feel better," suggested Willow.

"Maybe. Has she been acting strangely lately?" asked Tara sincerely.

Again Willow didn't answer.

"Willow?"

"Um, I don't know. But I'll pay more attention from now on," answered Willow, speaking each word slowly so that Tara would...would what? Believe her? Would know that Willow knew? And knew what exactly?

"I know you will," said Tara.

Did Tara sound grateful? Or did her voice sound more like a warning, a challenge?

"Goodnight, Willow."

"Goodnight, Tara," responded Willow quickly, dreading the silence even before it came between them. Willow heard the phone click off. She just stared at the phone in her hand, not wanting to turn her light off and suddenly not feeling very sleepy at all.

Buffy brushed her hair a few more times, staring at her reflection in the mirror. She placed the brush down and now stared at the closed and locked window across from her. Standing up, she turned the light by her bed off and waited until her eyes grew accustomed to the dark. Walking over to the window, her bare feet silent on the carpet, Buffy slid the latch over and lifted the window up.

The night air was still, calm. She stayed there, motionless and quiet like the darkness, listening, waiting, but she heard nothing and saw even less. Shoulders slumping, Buffy paused in front of her closet and then opened the door halfway before sitting on the edge of her bed.

"Get the hint?" she whispered, glancing around the room. With a sigh she settled under the covers and closed her eyes.

Buffy opened her eyes, not even realizing for a moment that she was awake. She knew without looking at the clock that sunrise was still a long way off...at least it felt that way. Glancing over she confirmed what her Slayer instincts had told her; it was only four o'clock. As quietly as she could she sat up, the sheet slipping down and pooling around her waist.

"Giles?"

Her room was silent, the night quieter still. She took a deep breath and settled back down onto her back, pulling the sheet back up until it covered her up to her neck. Buffy kept her eyes open, staring at the ceiling, waiting simply because she didn't know what else to do.

Kicking off her covers, Buffy sprang out of bed and reached for her phone, dialing his number. And yet as she listened to each ring, part of her prayed that he would pick up while another part of her was afraid that he would.

"Hello?"

Buffy let out a breath that she didn't know she had been holding in. The voice on the phone belonged to a woman.

"Hello?" she repeated, this time a little louder.

"Excuse me, can I speak to Rupert Giles, please?" asked Buffy.

"I'm afraid he's not here at the moment. Can I take a message?"

"Oh. Um..."

"Buffy? Is that you?" asked her voice. And suddenly that voice seemed familiar to Buffy, yet she couldn't remember...

"Olivia?" asked Buffy cautiously.

"Yes, that's right. It is you! So nice to hear from you again...well, what I mean is it's been a long time, hasn't it?"

"Yes. A very long time. Do you know when Giles will be back?" asked Buffy quickly.

"Rupert is away on retreat. I don't expect him back until the end of the week. He's up in the Cotswolds, kayaking or some such nonsense. Said he never got the chance to do that when..."

The was a pause as Olivia realized what she had said.

"When he was my Watcher," finished Buffy.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean..."

"It's okay, I understand. Is there anyway you can get in touch with him to let him know I called? Maybe he checks in with you?" asked Buffy hopefully.

"I'm afraid not. Is there an emergency? I could call the Council and perhaps they could have someone..."

"No. No, there's no emergency. Just...just tell him I called," sighed Buffy.

"I will."

"When did he leave?"

"Two days ago," answered Olivia. "I'm watching his flat for him while he's gone."

"Oh. So you...I mean, you're seeing him again?" asked Buffy, wincing on the word 'seeing'.

"I wish I knew," laughed Olivia, though there was a touch of bitterness in her tone.

"I'm sorry, that was kinda rude of me. It's really none of my business," cringed Buffy.

"No, I don't mind. Actually, I was thinking of calling you. Buffy, Rupert's been so quiet since he got back home. Too quiet," said Olivia.

"Home," whispered Buffy.

"I'm getting a little worried about him. Hopefully this trip will help but, but did something happen? He's...he's just not himself. Buffy...I don't think he's very happy. I know he isn't, but he won't tell me why," sighed Olivia.

"How quiet?" asked Buffy, now worried.

"The quiet where you hope he's only depressed about something...something he'll eventually get over. And, um...he doesn't talk about you. At all. In fact, he changes the subject if I bring your name up. Did you have a falling out?" asked Olivia boldly.

"Um, no. At least I don't think so. It's been so long since we talked. I, I just...I just wanted to hear his voice again," said Buffy. She could hear Olivia slowly inhaling in disbelief.

"I'll tell him that you called," said Olivia, suddenly sounding like she wanted this conversation to end. Buffy swallowed, unsure of what to say.

"Thanks. Bye," whispered Buffy, hanging up the phone before Olivia could answer.

Willow and Dawn came down the stairs together and looked at one another, their expressions in competition to see who could appear more confused. They stopped near the kitchen, peering around the corner. And again they looked at one another, Willow nervous, Dawn simply afraid.

"Smells like food," ventured Dawn.

"But...it's Buffy. Cooking," frowned Willow.

"Hey guys. Come on in, you're right on time. Bacon is already done and the eggs will be right up. Oh, I hope scrambled is okay. Dawn, can you get that toast? Coffee should been done too," smiled Buffy as she attended the frying pan.

"I can have coffee?" asked Dawn eagerly.

"Over my lifeless body," answered Buffy without turning around.

"Well, you're all perky girl!" commented Willow.

"Yep. Already did the laundry, too," smiled Buffy.

"Sleep good?" asked Willow, trying not to sound worried in front of Dawn. But Buffy didn't seem to care.

"Um, actually...no," replied Buffy, scraping the eggs onto three separate plates in turn. "But I'm not tired at all. I feel like I slept for like, twelve hours."

"But Xander said yesterday, when you fought that vampire..."

"I know, Dawn. But I'm fine now. Really. Just an off day, I guess," shrugged Buffy.

"No...bad dreams?" inquired Willow, pouring herself a cup of coffee to avoid looking at Dawn.

"Not a one. In fact, I think I'll go for a workout down at the Magic Shop this morning. Yeah, that sounds real good. I've got all this pent up energy. Gotta do something before I meet Tara," said Buffy, rinsing out the frying pan in the sink.

Willow coughed, leaning forward in an attempt not to spill her coffee.

"You okay?" asked Buffy.

"Huh? Oh, yeah. Hot. Coffee. In the cup," said Willow, holding up her cup. "You're seeing Tara today?"

"Before lunch. I wanted to tell her...tell her that she doesn't have to research that project. You know. That project," repeated Buffy, casting a warning glance in Dawn's direction.

"Oh. Well, you know, you could just call her," suggested Willow.

"Yeah, but she wanted to return my...hat," said Buffy, suddenly dreading that she had brought that subject up again. "Um, Dawn, you all ready for school? I thought I'd walk with you today."

"Okay. But it's early yet. And I have to eat," reminded Dawn, picking up a fork as she took a plate off the counter.

"Right. Come on, Will. Dig in," offered Buffy, handing her a plate.

Willow smiled, but it was only a half-hearted attempt.

"Hey, Tara. Come on in," offered Buffy, closing the door behind Tara as she entered.

"Well, this is a good sign," smiled Tara.

Buffy wrinkled her eyebrows.

"I don't have to wake you up. Like last time," reminded Tara.

"Oh. Right. No, I'm wide awake and chipper this morning. In fact, I'm headed over to the Magic Box for a workout later."

"Sooo...no dreams last night? No unwelcomed visitors?" asked Tara.

"Nope. Nada. And now I feel kinda embarrassed, bothering you. Guess you were right. Considering what I've been going through, an intense dream or two isn't unexpected. Watcha got?" asked Buffy, peering into the paper bag Tara was holding.

"Your baseball cap," smiled Tara, pulling it out from the bag and handing it to Buffy. "Thanks."

"Anytime," answered Buffy, though her smile subsided as she thought of Willow.

"And what Willow likes to call stinky sand," added Tara, holding up a glass with blue sand in it. Plastic wrap covered the top and was held in place by an elastic band.

"Hence the cover," commented Buffy.

"Yep. It's one of the ingredients for that detection spell. Sure we don't need it? Won't do any harm if there's no foul, so to speak," encouraged Tara.

"No," replied Buffy quickly. Maybe a little too quickly. "Will's doing so good. I know she's not here right now, but I don't want any magicks being played with. Harmless or not, we just don't know how it might affect her. Okay?"

"I suppose," shrugged Tara, unconvinced.

"Tara, if I have another dream, we'll do the spell. I promise. Besides, you yourself said that what's happened doesn't seem to fit the pattern of an incubus," said Buffy forcefully.

Tara nodded, somewhat mollified.

"Just keep this in your room, maybe, maybe under your bed where Willow won't find it. That way it's here if we need it later," said Tara, handing the glass to Buffy.

"Sure. I'll do it right now and then I'll walk you most of the way to class. The Magic Box is on the way," smiled Buffy, taking the glass and running up the stairs behind them.

Tara smiled but, feeling guilty, bit her lower lip. Still, she was happy that the potion was in Buffy's room.

Buffy patted her face with a towel, watching the weight bag as it creaked back and forth on its chain. She had broken a good sweat and her muscles ached with that warm burn only being tired from a workout could give. Still, something was missing. And in the silent, empty room it was quickly and painfully obvious what was lacking. Giles. He should be here. Holding the punching bag, telling her about dropping her shoulder even when she wasn't, pushing her, encouraging her...being there for her. It was more than just her workout. He had touched so many aspects of her life in so many little, unseen ways, yet she had taken him for granted.

So was it her fault or his that he had left?

Buffy drained her water bottle and tossed it across the room in anger, unsure if she was mad at herself...or him.

"So, whatcha wanna do now? Hey, how 'bout we rent a movie?" asked Buffy enthusiastically. "You know, I think you're old enough for Thelma and Louise."

"Um, Buffy? I have some homework to finish up. And I really appreciate the whole bonding thingy, what with you picking me up after school every day, the shopping trips, cooking dinner, eating dinner, cleaning up after dinner..."

"Dawn."

"And don't take this the wrong way, 'cause I really like spending time with my sister, but I just want to hang tonight, maybe call Janice on the phone..."

"Dawn."

"Besides, I've already seen Thelma and Louise!" pouted Dawn.

"Dawn, I...you've seen Thelma and Louise? Where was I?"

"Patrolling. You know, that hobby of yours that keeps you out late most every night? The hobby that you won't let me be a part of?" reminded Dawn.

"You want a hobby? Take up crocheting. You'd learn a useful skill and at the same time might be able to add money to our meager savings if you sold what you made," smiled Buffy.

Dawn didn't look amused.

"I'm crowding you," winced Buffy. "I'm, I'm clingy girl. I'm overdoing the compensating. I'm over-overcompensating!"

"No. Well, not really," sighed Dawn.

"I'm sorry. Just trying to make up for my lack of not being here for you. Forgive me?" asked Buffy in a mock begging tone.

Dawn smiled.

"I'll forgive you if you get your butt out there tonight. You know, go wrestle with a demon or whatever you do to pass the time. I'll be fine."

Buffy eyes opened a bit wider but she nodded in agreement.

"Oh, and Thelma and Louise was on TV. They cut out the good parts," frowned Dawn.

"We'll rent the movie soon. I promise," smiled Buffy, giving her sister a hug. "Guess I'd better go get ready."

"Have fun," winked Dawn.

Buffy turned to hide her smile. And she continued to smile as she bounded up the stairs to her room.

Even though he had just lit this cigarette, Spike threw it down and ground it out with his heel. He tilted his head, listening, waiting more for a scent than a sound. As if to confirm his suspicions that he wasn't alone, the insects around him suddenly fell silent. And he smiled even before he turned around, knowing, even feeling, that it was her.

She stepped up to him, her eyes, doe-like, never leaving his, so close he could hear her heartbeat now. Spike hesitated, then slowly leaned forward, his lips hovering near but never once brushing her own. Neither of them closed their eyes. He raised his hand, gently pushing her hair aside and she pressed her cheek against his palm. Only now did he give in and kiss her, his other hand slipping around her back to pull her close.

Buffy closed her eyes, letting the kiss linger. She felt his hand against her side, moving up...and she smiled as his body ever so briefly tensed when he realized she wasn't wearing a bra. She reluctantly pulled away from his lips and rested her forehead against his.

"Not here," she whispered.

"Why not?" teased Spike.

Buffy opened her eyes but looked down at the ground between them.

"I...I want..."

Spike cupped her chin with his fingers and encouraged her to look at him. He smiled for her and she took a deep breath.

"I want to spend the night with you," winced Buffy, as if ashamed to admit it.

Spike stepped back and nodded, though it seemed more of a bow to her. And he held out his hand to her. Buffy reached for him, then hesitated, staring for a moment at her callused palm, her dry and cracked skin, rough from the work she must do. The work no one else could do.

As if reading her thoughts, Spike took her hand before she could pull it away and raised it to his mouth, kissing the back of her hand softly then pressing her palm against his own cheek this time. Slipping his fingers between hers, he lowered their coupled hands and led her away. Buffy glanced at him once or twice but didn't speak, looking away if she thought he would notice. Yet she couldn't hide her smile from him. And Spike gave her hand a playful squeeze.

Buffy opened her eyes, quickly realizing that she had woken up because she was cold. Spike was hogging the covers, a double insult as she couldn't snuggle against him and be warmed by his body. Pulling at least some of the blanket free from his grasp, she covered herself and silently cursed for once again not remembering to bring socks. Her feet were cold, but bringing socks would also be admitting to herself that this just didn't happen but instead was planned. Better to have cold feet than to confess that she had once again sought him out by her own free will.

The crypt was still dimly lit by a few of the candles that hadn't burned out yet. Buffy kept her eyes open, listening to the soft cadence of dripping water. The room was dark and not only because it was poorly lit. She again considered the idea of decorating this room by herself or at least making a few suggestions but just as quickly dismissed the notion; it would be an admission to both of them that she was a part of his life.

Should she sneak out now or risk facing him in the morning? Buffy didn't want to leave but knew that if she stayed he had a way to make her late getting home that she found impossible to resist. She sat up, keeping the blanket wrapped around herself with one hand as she searched with her eyes for her clothes.

Even after she saw him it took a moment to realize that they weren't alone. He was across the room from the bed, the darkness not only hiding him but seeming to cling to him, as if he would have to struggle to emerge from it. Yet with ease, unhindered, he took a step forward, his face now silhouetted by the flickering candles. He wasn't smiling. If anything, he seemed embarrassed to be here, shifting his weight from one foot to the other, refusing to make eye contact with her.

"Giles! What are you...you shouldn't be here," whispered Buffy, casting a warning glance at Spike in the bed by her side.

"You can speak freely and without whispering. He won't awaken," promised Giles.

"Oh. You mean..."

"Yes, you're sleeping. I...I couldn't stay away. Not that I didn't try," grinned Giles, though his smile quickly faded.

"No, I'm glad you're here. We so need to talk," said Buffy, still keeping her voice low but not whispering now. Giles nodded and Buffy drew the blanket closer to herself. He looked down out of politeness.

"I'm sorry that I told you," sighed Giles.

"No. Don't be. You need to be honest with me. As I with you," added Buffy firmly.

"But...but if..."

"Giles, you've already told me. Now I know, so there's no risk of losing me or, or scaring me off. See? Still here. So come sit down beside me," said Buffy, patting the bed next to her. Giles hesitated but then did sit down on the bed. But at the far end of the bed, out of Buffy's reach.

"I haven't begun to tell you anything," said Giles, his mouth curling up at the corners. And his smile relaxed Buffy, soothed her, calmed her when she hadn't been aware of just how nervous she was.

"How long?" asked Buffy.

Giles raised an eyebrow at her. Buffy rolled her eyes.

"How long have you had feelings for me?" clarified Buffy.

Giles leaned back, his eyes on Spike as he considered her question.

"A long time. Almost worked up the courage to tell you once. Almost."

"Oh?" encouraged Buffy.

"Remember the ghosts of Grace Newman and James Stanley?" began Giles, phrasing his words like a statement and not a question.

"Of course."

"We...we were both...what I mean is," started Giles, looking up at Buffy but uncomfortably looking away just as fast.

"I remember, Giles. Angel was...gone. And Jenny was dead," said Buffy softly, herself now looking away when Giles flinched at hearing Jenny's name.

"You were so lost, Buffy. So scared. And I thought I could...help you. And, of course, I needed you as well. Together, maybe, just maybe..."

Giles took a deep breath and tried to smile.

"So, why didn't you? Was it my age? I had just turned seventeen," frowned Buffy.

"No. No, that didn't matter. Not to me. Oh, I would've kept us a secret, if there ever would've been an 'us'. But what held me back was what you said about forgiveness," said Giles, watching to see if Buffy would remember.

"Huh?"

Giles tried not to laugh.

"You said that James destroyed the one person he loved most in a moment of blind passion...and that was not something you forgave, no matter why he did it. No matter if he knew that it was wrong and selfish and stupid."

Buffy stared at Giles, her lower lip trembling slightly.

"If I had told you how I felt...and if you didn't feel the same way..."

"Giles," whispered Buffy.

"Are you beginning to understand? Can you? I was afraid. Afraid that...if you couldn't trust me, you would be dead by now," finished Giles, looking down but not away from her. Neither of them spoke. From deep within the crypt the sound of dripping water echoed coldly.

"Been there, done that," smiled Buffy, vainly trying to break the tension.

"So...where do we go from here?" sighed Giles. Before Buffy could answer, Spike groaned in his sleep, twitching slightly. Buffy ignored him.

"Come back to me, Giles," pleaded Buffy, her voice again a whisper. "I didn't tell the others. We can work through this. No one has to know."

Giles almost imperceptibly shook his head.

"I can't make you love me. You either feel something or you don't. It's better this way," said Giles, his sad eyes now firmly looking back at her, unblinking.

"No!" shouted Buffy, reaching for him. But Giles leaned back and Buffy immediately lowered her hand, wincing at the thought that he wouldn't want her to touch him. Giles closed his eyes, taking in a deep breath. Buffy expected him to clean his glasses next, almost wished that he would. It's what he would do and she wasn't sure if she knew him now. But Giles just sat there, not moving, not looking at her.

"I need you, now more than ever," said Buffy plainly, no emotion in her voice. Yet when Giles did look up at her he saw the ache she couldn't hide in her eyes.

"I know. I know you do," sighed Giles.

Buffy adjusted the blanket up in front of her again, suddenly feeling a chill. She didn't remember Spike's crypt being this drafty.

"Buffy...do you trust me?" asked Giles, still not looking at her.

"Do you even have to ask?" snapped Buffy, almost in anger. Almost. Giles nodded.

"When I taught you that meditation technique, the one you used to enter that trance-like state..."

"Oh, and I saw Dawn for what she was," finished Buffy.

"Yes," answered Giles, now excitedly looking at her. "Do you remember how your senses were heightened, sharpened to a new awareness? Colors, sounds almost, almost too intense to bear?"

Buffy nodded , watching him.

"For me to be here, I exist in that state. I can't explain it...it just is," smiled Giles. "This is how I can help you. I know. I understand what's missing now. What you aren't feeling since you came back."

Buffy thought about that for a moment, her eyes absently drawn to Spike.

"So if I enter this trance-like state again..."

"No, that's only the beginning. Your meditation will be transient, fleeting. But I can help you remember."

"Remember?" repeated Buffy, confused.

"Yes. Your body, it's...it's still sleeping. And it doesn't even know what it craves, but only because it can't remember," said Giles, leaning towards her just a bit more now. Buffy stared at him doubtfully.

Giles slowly extended his hand towards her.

"Trust me," he whispered, his voice like a promise.

Buffy wasn't sure why, but she hesitated, glancing from his hand back to his eyes. There was no sadness there now, no doubt...and yet Buffy still didn't move to touch his hand.

"It has to be your choice. Do you trust me?" whispered Giles.

And Buffy smiled.

"Always," breathed Buffy.

She raised her hand to his, but Giles didn't try to grasp it. Instead, he simply held his hand motionless between them. Buffy brushed against his palm with her fingertips, surprised at how warm his skin felt. Then she pressed her palm to his, curling her fingers around his hand as he responded in turn. There was more than just warmth now. Buffy could feel the texture of his skin, the sensation a stark contrast to her own flesh as if he were alive and she was simply...warm.

Buffy tilted her head, her lips parting in wonder. She intertwined her fingers with his, eyes widening as something within her stirred and awakened. Encouraging her with a hint of a smile, Buffy leaned forward to place his hand against her cheek. She gasped, inhaling sharply as the heat from his skin seemed to flow into her, spreading not as a caress but as fluid seeping into her. Tears