Disclaimer: All characters and reference to belong to Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and all them other peeps. I'm just using them to make my own fun. Girl/Girl lovin', you no like, you no read. All story ideas and other than BTVS canon and any (if at all) original characters are solely from my warped little mind.
Distribution: Forever Faith: http://mysticmuse.net/faith
The Mystic Muse: http://mysticmuse.net
Feedback: Go for it!
Spoilers: Pretty much completely AU – though set about S3. Faith is the only slayer.
Summary: With Giles as her watcher, Faith enrolls in Sunnydale High and discovers an unexpected connection with Willow.
Willow Rosenberg…Willow Rosenberg…Willow.
I can't stop saying her name over and over again in my head. How fucked is that?
And I've always had this habit of giving people nicknames, but I love her name. Willow. It just rolls off my tongue. Willow.
I've had girlfriends before. Many, many girl…friends. But Willow. This chick is pretty cute. No, not cute. Beautiful. And something else. Something else entirely. Something deeper. Something that calls to me and makes my Slayer Sense perk up. Something magical or mystical or…something like that. Something.
I haven't been able to wipe the grin off my face since the first moment we met.
Its been…huh. Three days now. Three days of having our first meeting on repeat and surround sound in my head. Three days of whispering her name to myself in the shower with the hugest grin on my face, knowing I would see her at lunch.
We don't have any classes together though. That's a bitch. I hate school and I'll probably start skipping class again, like back in Boston. But if Willow was in the same classes as me, I could sit and listen to teach drone on about Columbus and his three ships all damn day. But I'm a slayer, The Chosen One. What the fuck do I need to know about some guy sailing the seven seas or some shit back in the fifteenth century, who was just trying to make a buck anyway?
But fuck Columbus. I was talking about Willow. Sweet little redheaded, green eyed, cute as a button Willow.
Cute as a button?
Oh, yeah…I'm a goner.
What would Giles think if he knew I patrolled last night with not one thought about vampires or demons? It was all Willow-thought. I walked through cemetery after cemetery, twirling my stake in my hand, thinking of nothing more than how I could run my fingers through that shiny red hair of Willow Rosenberg's and stare into her eyes and maybe…just maybe I could feel those pale pink lips on mine.
Yeah, I know. I've got it bad.
I have to laugh at myself, really. I'm all about the chicks. I really am. I'm this big, tough slayer – slayer no one's supposed to know about – but slayer nonetheless, and I get all hormonal over a cute smile and cute babble and cute…did I mention her ears were cute, too?
Her name and number are carefully printed on the back of my class schedule. That schedule is now currently in my hip pocket even though I'd memorized the 6 classes and study hall I have the first day. Her number I'd memorized too, of course, the first ten minutes it was in my possession. But her handwriting; the memory of her pressing lightly onto the paper with blue ink, letters and numbers and an invitation to be a part of her world.
She's going to tutor me, of course.
That's why we met in the first place. Giles suggested she tutor me. Guide me in the right direction, he'd said. Like I'm some delinquent! Can you believe that?
But whatever. How lucky am I to have Willow as part of the Sunnydale package?
So yeah, she's going to tutor me. Not like I'm stupid or anything. I mean, Giles arranged for me to take these placement tests and even though I'm supposed to be a junior, I scored so high they upped me a grade. That's a pretty killer incentive for me to keep with the school thing and actually graduate.
Actually, I'm not sure Willow's so much going to tutor me, as make sure I get my butt to class and do my work. On second thought, this might suck. But damn, she fine! Three days of this drooling and repeating her name and dreaming about her – this isn't going to suck. This is going to be torture! She'll want me to be all school geek and I'll just want to kiss her.
And the odds of her even wanting to return that kiss are not looking to be in my favor. She seems pretty straight, what with all the mooning over that Xander dude. Only drawback of spending lunch with her is that Xander's there too – usually completely ignoring the hotness of Willow for someone else.
Someone like me. The boy can't keep his eyes above my cleavage. And Willow knows this. I usually pride myself on gaining attention from drooling males – because its fun when they realize there's no way they're ever gonna get in my pants. But Xander's obvious attention to my assets are hurting Willow. I can't have that. I've known the girl 3 freakin' days, and all I want to do is put my arm around her and show her that someone wants her. Wants her pretty damn bad, at that.
But I don't want to scare the poor girl either.
Speak of the devil.
Willow. Willow Rosenberg.
Ohh…she's wearing overalls today.
Why does she look so damn good in overalls?
Faith. Faith. Faith…?
Why didn't I get her last name??
Probably because you were too busy looking at her ass…ets. And stuff.
And what great assets.
Aargh! This sucks so much! I'm not supposed to like girls! I like boys! I'm very with the liking of boys! I like Xander! He's cute and nice and he…we've known each other since we were in diapers! What's wrong with me?
No. I can't like Faith that way. Yeah, she's…sexy. She's all with the leather and the hair and those…lips…and breasts…No! Bad Willow! You're not supposed to notice things like that about girls. And definitely no naughty fantasies about them.
But just thinking about her does get me all tingly and…kinda funny feeling. Like I've just come off the Tilt-A-Whirl. Kind of dizzy and giddy at the same time.
Just her name brings a smile to my face.
I'm supposed to be tutoring her. Helping her with school stuff. Giles wants her to be able to focus more on the slaying. He thinks if she has less outside interference and stress, that she'll do better as a slayer than the last two he's had in his charge. I only really got to know Buffy. I guess I was still grieving over her and a little resentful to get to know Kendra very well. But I didn't have the same feeling about them that I do for Faith.
I can't figure her out. And I know it's only been a few days. But she seems so much older. Giles told me she's 16, but she seems older than that. More worldly. Like she's seen and been through so much more than little ol' me.
Maybe that's why I'm so drawn to her. It's more than her looks. It's…something deeper. I can't really explain it. I just know that I want…*need* to find out more about her. About Faith.
Starting with her last name.
I'm just nervous about seeing her again. What if I act like a total dork?! Just because her watcher wants me to tutor her doesn't mean she has to like me.
Faith. Faith. Faith! Why can't I just stop thinking about her for a second? This is getting so hard! I've never thought about anyone – especially not a girl – like I've been thinking about Faith. And frankly, it's a little freaky. What is it about her that has me so…all about her?
Does this make me gay?
Okay, Willow, breathe. Okay…oh!
She's right over there. Looking at me. Smiling…oh, she's smiling. That's good, right?
We act like nothing's wrong of course. Like there isn't this huge, pink elephant in the room with us. Nope. Just going on about our business. Willow acting like she's really involved in showing me this math crap, and me doing an equally terrible job of showing her I know what she's talking about.
Maybe it's me. Maybe she's picking up on my attraction to her and I'm freaking her out.
But something tells me it's more than that. I've been around. I know the game pretty well. She's waiting for me to say something, for me to bring up what we've been avoiding for weeks now.
Like the secret looks at my ass she thinks I don't see. Or the way we catch each other's eye and then she looks away real fast, all blushin' and shit. She's so adorable. Oh, and how sometimes she watches me train, even though we both know she's supposed to be correcting my practice quizzes.
Fuck, I'd wish she'd quiz me on something else!
I try to control myself. I know she doesn't have the same slayer senses that I do. She can't pick up what I can…the way her breathing quickens and her heart rate speeds up just a little bit when I'm close. And once I swore I could smell her. You know, because she was wet. It was faint…and who knows if it was really because of me? If this was anyone besides Willow I might've tried to make it worse, just to see if it really was me she was reacting to.
And because I can be a real bitch and a tease.
But instead I just felt bad. Kinda guilty…because I can also tell she's confused about all this. So I got up to train instead. And I kept catching her watching me. I pretended not to notice, though. I like her watching me.
I guess I should just say something. Ask her out or ask her how she feels about me or if she'd like to jump my bones. I don't know why I'm being such a chicken-shit with her. I guess I really care what she thinks and don't want to ruin anything we have…or might have the potential to have…or something.
I have to do something about this.
I know she's not paying attention to me. Well, she is paying attention to *me*…just not to the algebra problem I'm working in her notebook. I'm not really paying attention to it either. Which is okay because I know this stuff like the back of my hand and could probably work it in my sleep. And if I did make a mistake it's not like she would notice – since she's not paying attention to it.
I'm such a bad teacher!
I love the way she smells. Her hair and whatever perfumey stuff she puts on. It's kind of musky and suits her really well. Not really light and flowery like a lot of women's perfumes. It's more…earthy. Natural. It smells right. I think it really suits her.
I always have to fight the urge to lean over and press my face into the crook of her neck. Or run my lips and nose across her arm. She's always wearing those tight tank tops, which don't help at all! Every day before we meet I try to give myself a little pep talk about how I'm going to be a good girl and not stare at her or try to smell her. I tell myself I'm going to just tutor her like I'm supposed to and leave it at that. Not watch her train. And certainly not lose myself in lusty fantasies about her and I frolicking through the library…naked.
But I always fail myself. I'm a big, giant, lusty failure!
She walks through those double doors with that confidant slayer swagger, wearing those tight jeans, and then she looks at me and smiles. She smiles when she sees me and the way her face lights up just makes me feel like my whole body is glowing!
And from there on it's all downhill. Dizzy and giddy, remember?
And I'm not stupid. I know I haven't done much in the way of dating…oh, okay I haven't done anything in the way of dating…but I do know that I'm not the only one in this library that has something on her mind. I've caught her looking at me. Sometimes she gets so quiet around me. When we're with other people she has so many stories to tell…she's all animated and kind of loud and she really likes to brag.
She's different around me, though. She actually seems interested in what I have to say. She thanks me for tutoring her, even though we both know she hates school, and wouldn't even be going to Sunnydale High if it weren't for Giles' insistence.
Bottom line, I like her. And I think she likes me.
But what in the world do I do about it?
So I asked her out. Shocked the hell out of her too! She was so cute, dropping her pencil and then knocking her water bottle off the table trying to catch it. And the stuttering!
I didn't mean for it to come out so bluntly. I was going to work up to it. Ask her if she wanted to see a movie with me, something friends do together. And then from there, well, then maybe I'd ask if she liked me.
So I covered my tracks, told her I'd been itchin' to see this movie and I had no one to go with. I saw that adorable smile falter a little and I couldn't help but kick myself for making it sound like I'd rather go with anyone but her.
She said okay, though. So that was a start. I never said I was suave. I can be one major fuck up where the girls are concerned. I figured I'd make it up to her later, though. Let her know what I really meant and then see where that took us.
And I can't say I wasn't hoping it would take us back to my place…Not that Giles would have been too happy about that, considering I live with him.
Truth be told I don't even remember the damn movie. I mostly paid attention to her out of the corner of my eye the entire time. My senses were on full alert, noting her breathing, her heart rate, her smell and the way she shifted occasionally in her seat. Our knees touched a couple of times. Both of us apologizing and moving away a bit, unable to just let it go.
I wanted to put my arm around her. I wanted to be closer. I wanted to kiss her.
We didn't do any of that, though. This is so unlike me. I'm always First Move Girl. I'm usually all Want. Take. Have. I want Willow and unless I'm being completely misled by her body, she wants me too. So what the fuck is the hold up?
We walked from the Sun Cinema down Main Street toward Willow's house. It's really amazing how small downtown Sunnydale is compared to the rest of the city. I was majorly disappointed that it wasn't bigger than this, coming from Boston and all. There you had a hundred choices of what to do in a night and here…well, there's not much here. Giles says it's an ever-expanding town; something about the rate of development being one of the highest in California, which I find odd considering the demon activity and the freakin' rate of mortality. But, whatever.
Point is, once we got out of the movie I had no clue what to do. I was hoping we could talk on the way back to her house and maybe, if I was lucky, she'd invite me in.
I told her she didn't talk about Xander much anymore. She nodded but didn't say anything else, which meant it would be a lot harder than I thought. I asked her if she still liked Xander. She told me of course she still liked him, just that she realized her feelings weren't what she thought they'd been. I thought that'd give me an opening, so I asked her if there was someone else she liked.
She stopped walking and turned to me. In the moonlight, with a few strands of red hair hanging across her forehead, I never wanted to kiss her more.
She asked me why I was playing 20 Questions. I knew this crap had to stop. So I told her I liked her. I just stepped back, ducked my head and told her that I really liked her and thought…hoped that she liked me too.
She didn't say anything at first and for a minute there I really thought I'd made a huge mistake. And who was I to think this little straight girl would be interested in big, tough-actin' Faith anyway?
Aw, but man was I right!
Not only does she bring her big, round, gorgeous eyes up to mine, but she smiles that little shy, quirky smile that gives me butterflies in my belly every time I see her. And then she nods that she does like me like I thought she did.
I feel like shouting. I feel like jumping. Hell, I feel like staking a few vamps 'cause my adrenaline's pumpin' and I'm so damn happy.
I don't do any of that but I can't help the huge grin from appearing on my face. And I really can't help grabbing her up in my arms and lifting her off the sidewalk.
She giggles and I just die.
Her hands on my shoulders and her hair against my face just feels so right.
We like each other. I like her. Oh, wordy yes, do I like her! And she likes me. She actually likes me! The Slayer! Likes me! Willow!
Oh, but this is so, so, so terribly wrong. We can't like each other! We can't kiss and carry on and just…be happy together.
Oh, but her lips…she is such a good kisser! Not that I really know what a good kisser is, but what she does with her lips and her tongue…and oh gosh! What I did with my lips and tongue – wow! I've never experienced anything like that. The way her hand snuck up into my hair and kind of cupped the back of my head and the way her other arm held me against her so tight and just…the way her gorgeous, tasty full lips pressed against mine!
She didn't rush like I thought she would. I was so disappointed when she set me back down on the sidewalk and I just wanted to jump on her, wrap my legs and arms around her and cling to her so tight. But I wasn't disappointed for long. I could tell our bodies were responding to each other, and as she stepped closer to me our eyes locked and my breath caught at what I found there. There was just so much emotion.
Her eyes are so…deep.
No one has ever looked at me like that before. It was like looking into Love itself. And yeah, I know that sounds cheesy and naďve, but I don't know how else to describe it.
When Faith blinked it was like a mini spell had been cast and then I was in her arms and her lips were against mine and oh, oh did it feel so right! Little tingles made their way up my spine. My palms broke out in a sweat. And then her tongue was pushing against my lips and I opened them. I invited her inside. Wanted to taste her. To know how it felt to be really kissed by someone who liked me, not just a few pecks and fumble over Spin The Bottle like in the 7th grade.
She was so gentle. Her tongue met mine, sliding over and around before retreating slightly. I followed it though, intrigued. I half expected her tongue to be hard and yucky, stabbing at me and making my insides go all woggy. But her tongue was soft and relaxed. It flowed like a tiny wave instead of stabbing like a dart. It massaged mine softly, not expecting or demanding anything. Her lips worked against mine and I leaned into her, pulling her tighter against me.
My insides were going all woggy, all right, but not in a bad way at all. Something inside me was turning and growing and causing every part of my body to wake up. I knew how it felt to become aroused, but this was something altogether different. And wonderful!
I'm not sure how long our kiss lasted. It seemed like an eternity but it was way too short. She stayed close though and planted a few soft kisses on my lips and cheeks before simply holding me and leaning her head against mine.
In the few short weeks that followed, everything I knew about myself changed. I looked at the people around me differently. I felt like I was becoming more aware. Like something inside me was waking up and taking notice. For the first time in my life I felt alive. Really alive. Not even learning about slayers and vampires and being pulled into the fight against evil had made me feel like this. This was so very different.
To be perfectly honest, I was a little scared by these changes in me at first. Scared of my friendship with, and my attraction to, Faith. Scared that there was something wrong with me.
My world had come crashing down around me, but there was Faith with arms held out, waiting for me to fall into them.
She likes me. And I know I definitely like her. And maybe this is okay after all.
It definitely feels okay.
We're pretty much inseparable except for our classes. We hang out all the time now. She even comes on patrol with me sometimes. I keep her well out of the way of danger, though. Can't let anything hurt my Willow.
My Willow. God, that fucking rocks!
Yeah, she's my Willow. My girl. I don't think slayers are supposed to be so happy, what with that weight of the world and dying young thing we gotta worry about. But I just can't shake the skip in my step. Yeah, picture it – me, Faith, with a fucking skip in her step and a huge ass grin on her face.
Well, she makes me happy, what can I say?
She still tutors me, but I'd be lying if I said we never cut our study sessions short for a little make-out time. Love making out with my girl! She's a great kisser and, ah, man the way her body feels pressed up against mine! The way her hands touch me. She was so shy at first, it was adorable. But it's been weeks now and her hands know where they want to go – and I let them wander where they will…well, mostly anyway. Everywhere she touches me just sets me on fire!
We told G-Man. He's my watcher and I have to tell him everything. He wasn't surprised, though, which surprised the hell out of me – him being all British and sounding so damn uptight. He told me that most slayers were at least bisexual. Something about the influence of the primal slayer feminine line. Well, I don't need no primal anything to tell me I like girls! But I was way relieved to find out he was cool with me and Willow hooking up. Took a load off our shoulders.
It'd be nice to be more out at school, though. But I know this isn't exactly the right atmosphere for that and I don't want Willow to get hassled. And Giles would so not be happy with me getting kicked out on account of bustin' a few skulls. So we just do the friend thing at lunch and when other people are around – which isn't that often anyway.
When I get out of class I'm just itchin' to see her. I don't even care about touching her so much as just seeing her face light up with that gorgeous smile of hers.
I live for that.
We do the study thing for a good hour or more. Then I train while she finishes up homework. We head to her house for a little while to do…whatever comes to mind. Then I patrol. Sometimes she comes with and then we head to The Bronze afterwards so I can work off some steam. I don't even mind if she doesn't feel like dancing. I like her watching me. I like knowing that those guys are lusting after me and won't ever get this bod. It's all for Willow – when the time is right.
Some nights I find myself outside her house. She sneaks me into her room after she says goodnight to her folks and we stay up talking and kissing and just enjoying being with each other. Her room is really cool. Lots of glow in the dark stars all over her ceiling. A few tropical fish in a big tank. Some very cool artwork on the walls. Stuffed animals scattered around. It just feels so right to me. Like that's how a kid's room is supposed to be.
I tell her I don't really feel like a kid. Maybe I never did.
I had a pretty tough time of it back in Boston. Dad gone. Mom never around. You know the story. Kids like us, we grow up pretty fast. You have to when there's no one there to really look out for you. I don't know, maybe that makes me a better slayer. Street smarts. I mean, I'm not gonna be all down on myself. I'm a slayer, I got a chance to be somebody. A lot of people out there, they don't get shit. I mean, my mom died and I didn't have anyone at all – not that she was ever around, but then I found out I was the slayer. The Chosen One and I had all this power. No Superman, but bending steel ain't a problem either.
And I got Willow. Best friend I could ever wish for and my girlfriend on top of it. I got Giles too. I feel like he genuinely cares about me, not just doing some job. Gives me a great place to stay, when the Council wanted to just stick me in some crummy motel on the outside of town – not that I wouldn't be used to that. And a little bit of spending money out of his own pocket too – now that's sweet. And Xander's a pretty cool dude too, once you get past all his lusty looks and dopiness. And I gotta say, he sure looks out for Willow. And anyone who does that is a friend in my book. We told him about us hookin' up too. He didn't take it well at first. I guess he wasn't so cool with his object of lust falling for his best friend…but them's the breaks and he seems to be cool with everything now.
Life's pretty good. I don't have a reason in the world to complain.
We never go back to her place. Well, Giles' place really. I'd like to see her room. Look at all her stuff. She says she doesn't have much to look at, and nothing I'd be interested in anyway. But it doesn't matter what she has – or doesn't have. I just want to see what's hers, to be more a part of her world than what she tells me in my bed late at night.
Not that I mind that at all.
We hold each other and I ask her to tell me about what she dreams about, or what she thinks about when she's supposed to be paying attention in her European Studies class – a problem we can't seem to break her of. She likes to tell stories. It's very natural for her and I love to listen. I love her accent. Her rough edged voice. I love the way she gets lost in her own stories. I love the way she sometimes turns to me, all excited and smiling, pulling me closer before she tells me what new things she's thought of us to do some day.
She has so many plans. I want to do everything with her. Visit all the places she talks about. Do all those crazy things she thinks up. Some of them scare the frilly heck out of me, but I know that if I were with Faith, I would be okay.
But her stories, all this talk about us doing this and that. The snuggles and smoochies. The time spent together almost every afternoon and night – it's just not enough.
I need more from her. I need to touch more of her. And I so desperately want her to touch more of me. I need to feel her. My body is screaming for Faith. Every time she crawls into my bed with me and snuggles up close, I feel my body churning, wanting more.
I want to make love with her.
But I don't know how to take the next step. I don't know how to tell her that that's what I want. I don't know how to explain to her what my body feels, and what I know, to be the right move. I don't know that I can just go for it. And I definitely don't want to push her away. What if I make a move and she freaks out? What if she doesn't want anything more from me than what we have now?
I'm so confused. Since meeting Faith my senses have opened up so much. I can practically feel when she's training and slaying vampires, even when I'm not with her. I know when she's aroused just as sure as I know when she knows that I am.
That's usually when she decides it's time to say goodbye for the night.
We never talk about it, though. And I really wish we would.
Is she as scared and confused about this next step in our relationship as I am?
On the nights that she doesn't come back to sneak into my room, I call her. We talk for a while about her patrol. About what she and Giles have discussed as far as demons and strategies go. We talk about her progress in school. We cover all the basics.
And then I tell her what I've been thinking about while she was out. About how I can sense her when she slays. We haven't figured that one out yet. It's like my body is starting to become attuned to hers…we keep meaning to talk to Giles about it, but I think we're still too curious to really be concerned.
I tell her about how I missed her. And how I sometimes catch myself thinking about kissing her and touching her when I'm supposed to be doing my homework.
I can hear her breath quicken and I slide my hand over my tummy.
She tells me that she thinks about touching me too. She tells me that when she's in my bed, under the covers with me, that it's hard not to go any further than we do.
I agree with her and start touching myself.
I tell her I've never felt like this before. About anyone. And I tell her I know she's been with other girls.
She tells me it's never been like this, and her breathing is a just a little deeper when she says it.
My breathing matches hers, I move my fingers faster, and I ask her if she wants to do with me what she's done with those other girls.
She takes a minute to respond, only offering a whispered gasp and my body shudders as if hit by an electrical charge. It sends me over the edge, causing my back to arch, but I ride out the waves in silence.
When her voice reaches my ear again it's a ragged "yes" and I can't help but smile because I know it's true.
I get off talking to her on the phone.
And I can't be sure, but I think she does too.
This completely sucks!
I mean, no, the phone sex stuff is good. Not that either of us admit we're *doing* the phone sex thing, but how come I can double click my mouse while on the phone with her but not make a move when I'm actually in her bed with her? She's moaning into my kisses while my hands are going up her nightshirt, and then I stop and pull back and tell her I have to go!
I want more but I'm so scared. I don't want to do anything she regrets in the morning. I don't want to be her big mistake.
I'm trying so hard to be a good girl with her. Not rush anything. Not be demanding. It's been so hard not taking things further the last couple of nights I've been with her. I leave when I feel her legs pressing more firmly against mine, when I feel her kisses become more insistent, when she really starts moaning and I have to ball my hands into fists in order to not touch her anymore. It's almost painful to pull away from her. Not only because of the massive aching between my legs, but because of the disappointed whimper from her lips and the way her big, round eyes open and look up at me, almost begging me to stay.
I want her so bad. I want to make her feel how good it can be with someone else.
And why shouldn't we have sex?
And that's what it would be with her, wouldn't it? Making love.
So why shouldn't we? We're old enough. It feels right. It feels good with her. And it's not like I can get her pregnant! And, just because…I think I'm really in love with her – and I want a chance to express that to her.
Yeah, sure, I can buy her a card. Flowers. Little trinkets of my affection. But it's not the same for me. I know she likes those things. I know she appreciates the cards and flowers – you should really see how her face lights up and she kind of blushes and smiles all at the same time…well, then there's kissing and lots of giggles.
But I'm a slayer. I have forces working within me that are older than anything I can think of. Instincts to follow like an animal. I smell her. I taste her mouth. I touch her hot little body. I hear her moan and my instincts tell me to go.
Want. Take. Have. Right?
I know it's not that simple. But sometimes my body begs to differ and it's all I can do to find a few vamps to beat the hell out of and stake, just to get out some aggression. That still gets me worked up, though, and I have to go home and take care of myself – not only because of the stupid vamps, but because I've got Willow on the brain.
The fact is, she's a virgin, and I don't want to take that away from her until she's absolutely sure and ready to give that part of herself to me. Her body may think it knows what it wants, but that doesn't mean her mind is agreeing.
Maybe that doesn't make sense. I keep going 'round and 'round in circles here. I want her and I'm pretty damn sure she wants me, and I think it's perfectly normal for us to want to take the next step – if I can just convince myself to let go and follow where are bodies are leading us. I've never really had a problem with my brain stopping me from doing things before, so why am I now??
I think me and Wills have to talk. I'm not sure how much longer I can take this.
And I know that sounds bad, I know it sounds like I'm just this big, sex-obsessed pervert…doesn't it?
If we can just talk about it instead of pulling away and avoiding the subject. If we could just talk about it, maybe I'd feel better. Maybe I could control myself better, because at this rate I'll be jumping on her any night now and I really won't be able to hold back.
I wrote her a note.
A note for crying out loud!! Does that just scream out immature, non-dating person, or what?
I left it in her locker, which I happen to know the combination too. I left it sitting on top of the history paper I retyped and fixed for her. Don't think I do her homework or anything; I made her do all the research and actually do the writing. But Faith is horrible at typing – and I get carried away sometimes with the grammar and spelling stuff. Besides, Faith has way too much to worry about fighting the forces of evil to worry about the difference between a C or B paper. The least I can do is help out a little to boost her grade. And if I were really doing the work for her, she'd get an A.
And if she got an A on a European History paper Giles would know I did the work for her. Faith is smart, but she's way more serious about being the slayer than focusing on school and putting in the effort to make better grades. She likes to be in the middle of the action, not studying about it. It's hard enough getting her to concentrate when researching demony stuff, let alone history.
We only have a couple more months left of school anyway. If I can just get her through to graduation, she won't have to worry about school anymore. She's definitely not college material. And again I stress that it's not because she's not smart, I mean, hello, skipping a grade! It's just that there's really no need for her to attend college when she's already doing what she's destined to. I don't want anything to distract her from her slaying duties, where she might possibly get hurt, or wind up like Buffy and Kendra.
Except me. I'll happily distract her from time to time!
Wait. What was I talking about again?
Oh, right. The Note.
I know we have to talk. We keep putting ourselves in the same situation, which continues to leave us both very frustrated. She pulls away from me, scared. I know she thinks she's pushing me because she's more experienced than me, but the truth is that I really do want her to keep going. I want more of her. I want to make love, have sex – whatever you want to call it, I want it. And I want it with Faith.
I hope she doesn't read it in class where a teacher might take it from her. That would *so* not be good! Oh and I signed it, which means that if anyone else reads it they'll know exactly who wrote it. It's not like Willow is a very popular name at Sunnydale High.
I adore her for her restraint. I could not ask for a better girlfriend. Someone else might just push until she got what she wanted. I know people look at Faith and they think 'bad girl'. I see the looks she gets. I see the way guys look at her and sometimes I hear the comments some of the boys here at school say about her, about how they know she's easy and a great lay. I never have to wonder if she's really sleeping around with them instead of me, though, because I'm always with her. And, because as much as Faith likes to play up being this tough bad ass, she really is a good person. She's honest and compassionate and I know in my heart she wouldn't do that to me.
I also have a good idea of what Faith likes, and those boys aren't it!
If I was a little more in tune with my witchy self I might turn those boys into something really nasty for telling lies about my girlfriend! Something really, really bad…
I told her I wanted her. I told her I understood why she kept pulling back, but that I felt I was ready to go wherever she wanted to take me. I told her about what I do when we're on the phone.
Maybe I can get the note back before she gets to her locker. I can just give it to her later. Or better yet, I can actually *talk* to my girlfriend instead of writing her a note like some geek. Although, admittedly, I don't think I'll ever be able to say out loud the things I wrote in that note.
I'll just take the note back and forget I ever wrote it. I'll try to talk to her tonight…just not in as much detail.
But of course, I'm too late. Of course, Faith's found the note and is reading it already! And…oh no. She's got that look on her face. That look she gets sometimes when she pulls herself out of my bed and we both know she doesn't want to leave.
Oh, and of course it just wouldn't be my life if she weren't staring right at me!
She really is adorable, the way she leaves notes in my locker sometimes. They're mostly just little notes of encouragement. Sometimes she reminds me that we're not far from school being out. Or she tells me she knows I'll do well on my test, and that I should just take my time or whatever. She tells me she's thinking about me too, which really helps me through my classes a lot. I don't want to be cooped up indoors, sitting at some stupid desk. I want to be out there *doing* something.
Willow respects that and says she understands that school isn't my thing; that I'm the slayer and that's all I'm really meant to be. But she says school is still important. She says that even though I'm the slayer, I can't really tell anyone. And God-forbid I should need to get a job, but if I do, I'll need to have at least my high school diploma to get a decent paying one, which I guess does make sense.
And I have to admit, it'll be nice to have that little slip of paper saying I'm a high school grad when I know both my parents were drop-outs. I don't really talk about them much, even to Willow, but I think she encourages me because she knows that despite my lack of spirit over school stuff, I do still want to reach that goal. Have that accomplishment under my belt. If it weren't for Willow, I'd probably fail. I don't think I would have been able to stick school out, Watcher telling me I have to or not.
So you'll understand when I say that surprised doesn't even begin to cover my reaction to her note.
I never knew that sweet little red headed creature could be so…dirty! My heart started to really race and I felt like my chest was just, expanding – in shock, in arousal, I don't know. I felt flushed, like I'd been hit with a huge blast of hot air.
I had to read the note twice just to make sure I wasn't dreaming. Hell, to make sure I didn't miss anything!
When I'm with Willow she always makes it known that she wants more. She whimpers when I pull away from her, and when I start kissing her she's always pulling me closer, grabbing onto me, clinging. I love that feeling, of being wanted so much. I've never in my life had anyone hold me like she does.
But she never vocalizes any of her desire. She never tells me to just take her. We don't talk about it. I pull away 'cause I don't want to push her into anything she's going to regret later, after she decides that she wasn't ready and I was taking advantage of her in the heat of the moment.
I want her. I want her so bad that even when I'm away from her…where I can breath again and I'm not thinking about pushing my fingers into her…even then, the physical ache never really goes away. She's a virgin and I respect that…God knows I never felt like one.
But in her note she told me everything I feel when I'm with her. She knows that I'm holding back out of respect for her, out of fear too that she'll think I'm taking advantage of her. She says that she touches herself after I leave her bed and while we're on the phone.
I knew it!!
She also says that she knows her inexperience worries me, but that she knows more about the female body than I think she does, having explored it plenty on her own!
And she wants to do way more exploring with me!
I realize I'm breathing kind of heavy, and my heart's racing in my chest…and that I must look like an absolute slut standing here in the hallway, nearly humping the lockers!
Yeah, definitely some down low tingles. Many, many tingles.
I gotta say, though, this doesn't make up my mind for me. I know that doesn't make any sense, because duh, she's telling me right here in this freakin' note that she wants me! She wants to be inside me and taste me. She wants me to do all those nasty things I've done with those other girls, just like she's asked me on the phone.
But I still worry. I've never had this problem before, but – I mean, this is a good thing, right? This worrying about her feelings and shit?
What do you know, she's looking at me, or at least in my direction. I bet she's seen me read her note, seen my reaction to it – I know she's seen this look before.
She doesn't realize I've spotted her, though, and while part of me wants to look away in embarrassment, the much prouder, hornier part keeps on staring at her, willing her to look at me. I want her to know I understand. I want her to know I want everything she's told me in her note.
I want her to know that we still need to talk, though.
I only ever cut class for majorly important, impending apocalypsy doom type stuff.
Or for making out with my girlfriend.
Like after she spotted me in the hallway. I walked over to her, my palms suddenly sweaty, my heart racing. I was a bundle of nerves and I hate how that makes my tummy feel all icky! We didn't even say anything. She tugged on my sleeve and I followed just like I always do. I'd probably follow Faith anywhere – all those psycho things she wants to do, remember?
We talked. It was…nice. I was so nervous, but she put me at ease, explaining why she kept holding back, confirming for me that she was just worried about me and respected me – all the things that make me love her that much more.
I reiterated everything I had told her in my note – only, with less explicitness. I told her how she made me feel when I was with her – like I'm alive! I told her I wanted to strengthen our connection, because even though I'm only beginning my studies in the craft, I know we do really have a connection of some kind. There's no other way to explain how I know she's been training or out slaying. Why, when we're together, we can finish each other's sentences and I can feel her heart beating, even though I don't have the same Slayer Sense as she does.
She agreed not to hold back. That the next time she's in my bed, and things are getting hot n' heavy, she's just going to keep going as long as it feels right to both of us. If I don't pull away, she won't either.
This has thrilled me beyond words!
I had to kiss her then, wrapping my arms around her and pulling her close. Just letting her know how much it meant for her to say that. Maybe it's silly, all this drama over sex, but it was becoming this huge thing we wouldn't talk about – and putting a strain on us. She's been edgy lately. And training, while it usually de-stresses her, it's been working her up big time!
The heat between us grew quickly, wrapping around us. We couldn't separate. We couldn't breathe or talk, we just wanted to touch and kiss and *feel* each other. That's just how we are together, ever since that first time she kissed me on the street on the way back to my house. Her lips are perfect and they don't belong anywhere but on mine!
Well…maybe a few other places.
She had me backed against the door, her strong, thick thigh pressing against my sex, with one hand in my hair and the other on my waist. I was holding onto her with all my strength, my hands running up and down her back, over her firm butt.
Faith's got a great butt.
Her tongue was in my mouth – or maybe my tongue was in hers – whichever it was we were swapping spit like lunatics, heated and crazed for each other. And I loved it. I loved every naughty bit of it. I was getting so wet. And I told her that too, I broke from our kiss long enough to whisper how wet she was making me.
She groaned and cursed before capturing my lips again and pressing her leg deeper between my legs. I was slowly starting to grind down on it and oh God did that feel good! I didn't think I wanted to get off riding Faith's leg in the janitor's closet at Sunnydale High, but I just couldn't stop moving against her. I wanted her to do me right there!
Unfortunately, Mr. Beagle, the custodian, had other ideas.
Oh, man, were we so busted!
I don't think the janitor really knew what we were doing. I mean, by the time he managed to get the door open, we were apart and trying not to fall on our asses. He yelled a lot, though, and as luck would have it, Giles was walking by just in time to see us run out. No detour. No get out of jail free. It was straight to his office for our lecture.
Mostly Giles just cleaned his glasses, though, while Will tried to explain that we were just talking.
Just talking – except for the mondo hickey I left on her neck and our ragged, flushed appearance. She was really embarrassed. You can tell when she's either embarrassed or nervous, 'cause she launches into unmistakable Willow Babble and tries to overcompensate with lots of words. If you've ever witnessed it, you'd know how cute it really is, so I can't help but just look at her with a goofy grin even though we're in deep shit.
G-Man wasn't impressed or phased by her babble for long, though. He launched into his own babble of sorts, where he used a lot of words like 'standard' and 'dignity' and 'displays of affection'. Wait, that's three words, but the point is that he wasn't really pissed at us like I thought he was, just disappointed that we would stoop so low as to make out in a broom closet like some thoughtless teenagers.
I pointed that out to him too. Slayer yes, but still a teenager.
After he finished his speech and gave us each a stern look, he made sure we knew he wasn't trying to discourage our courtship – his word, not mine – just looking out for our best interests. He's a pretty great guy, my watcher.
But just when I thought it was over and we were free to leave – not that we were actually free since I had that stupid European History class to go to – Willow told him about our connection. She explained to him about how even on nights that she doesn't come on patrol with me or I'm too tired to head back to her house, she still knows when I've been out slaying. She knows how my patrol went even before I tell her on the phone. It's a freaky thing, really, but she can tell when I've been really worked up.
Giles wasn't as surprised as either of us thought. He said he expected it. Expected it!! I had to point out that him giving me a heads up about something like that would have been nice. He just did that weird smile thing, where he's smiling but it actually looks like he's grimacing 'cause he's not sure what to say.
His explanation was simpler than I expected, though. Apparently he was sent to Sunnydale as not only a slayer's watcher, but as Willow's too. How rad is that?
Willow's got some major power in her and he's been helping her to slowly unlock and explore that power. Some seer in England predicted that a really powerful witch and a slayer would fall in love over the hellmouth – I'm not too clear on the exact prediction, 'cause Giles likes to use a lot of big words and I was so stunned about the news anyway.
So we're like, meant to be together or something. Or maybe we're not really *meant* to be together, just that, that seer saw we were *going* to be together and Giles was put in charge of making sure we were both looked after. Or something like that. Jesus, all this mystical shit really confuses me sometimes!
Willow really gets it, though, and I know she'll explain it to me a lot better than Giles did. He's good with the training and showing me how to kill demons and stuff, but sometimes the other crap is just completely lost on me.
So yeah, we're like together and it was predicted. How freakin' insane is that?! Wicked cool, though. No more freakiness about our connection and no more wondering why I feel so strongly for Willow, when I've never ever felt like this for anyone else before. No more wondering why it feels so damn right.
I think I'm the only one who ever really gets to see Faith giddy. She never acts like this around Xander or Cordelia, or even Giles. But with me she really just lets loose and becomes an entirely different, more relaxed Faith. That makes me feel special, that she feels that comfortable with me.
She thinks it's awesome about our connection; that we're supposed to be together. She can't stop talking about how cool it's going to be when I'm magically strong enough to counter her strength and speed and we can go off and fight together. As it stands now, she's usually the one doing the dusting and I'm hiding behind a tombstone or a tree. I'm not going to lie and say I'm not looking forward to really discovering what I'm capable of, but I don't want it to be all that I am.
Faith's the slayer, The Chosen One, and she's okay with that being who she is. I want to be a witch; a powerful witch or just a semi-powerful one, it doesn't really bother me right now. But there's so much more I want to do. So much more I want to be. I don't want to be Willow Rosenberg, witch. I want a lot of other things to define me.
I just hope Giles and Faith will be supportive enough to let me do the other things I want, to let more than just my magical ability define me.
She's not so giddy anymore. She's looking right at me, waiting for me to say something, which means she's asked me something and I've missed it because I've been caught up in my own niggling worries about what all this connection stuff might mean for us.
She repeats the question and it brings a smile to my face. Ice cream. She wants ice cream. What a perfectly Faithy thing to want when she's in a good mood! To everyone else she's sex-bomb, killing machine, badass girl. To me she's just Faith. My best friend and hopefully, some time soon, lover. She's younger than me, and yet it's only at very rare times like these that I really see the kid in her.
I tell her we can get ice cream on one condition. I want to see her room at Giles' place.
My room. She wants to see my room.
My room where all my stuff is, things I brought with me from Boston, or just collected while in town. Things that Willow has never seen because I was always too embarrassed about them.
But I can't deny her that. I mean, if we're freakin' meant to be together, then I guess it's cool if she sees my room; if I let her sit on my bed and look at my stuff. I'm in her room almost every night, and she's never even been in mine once. Hell, we hardly ever make it to back to the apartment at all. The few times Willow's been there it's been in a strictly group setting – with Xander in tow, throwing lusty glances at me and big, ugly, green with envy ones at Will while he's supposed to be helping out with the research on how I kill some big bad.
I agree, of course, and the next thing I know we're walking back to my place in relative calm and quiet. It feels good to just walk with her. With no drama or tension between us. With no big battle on the horizon. Just us enjoying the warm evening air, and each other.
Fuck, I'm getting all sentimental now too. Willow just has that effect on me.
I know it's stupid. I mean it's just my bedroom. But I never even had a bedroom with Mom back in Boston – we lived in a one bedroom and I had the couch. I never really had any toys or anything – anything I had I either stole or some neighbor gave to me. Not much, not that I stayed inside a lot. I didn't like being around my Mom much when she was drunk; it was much easier to be home when she was passed out.
So I like having a bedroom, a little place of my own. Solitude and privacy, those are awesome things. G-Man's been pretty great about both. He says that just 'cause he's my watcher and I'm living with him, that doesn't give him the right to deny me any privacy I might need – so he doesn't even come down this hallway unless it's to wake me up for school when I've overslept. Pretty decent of him. And with the money he gives me as a sort of allowance, I can take Willow out to a movie every once in awhile or buy her stuff.
I also pick myself up something every once in awhile. Books mostly. Music. I don't even think Willow knows I like to read that much. But I really do. When I was back in Boston, I'd go to one of the libraries and just sit and read, some days until they closed. It was better than staying out on the street, fighting. Or having my Mom belt me around while she was still working on getting drunk. It was like, an escape. I don't read as much now 'cause I got the slaying gig – and Willow of course – but I still like to come back here and read for a few hours.
Willow seemed pretty surprised by the sheer number of books I have. I don't know what she was expecting, but I practically needed to help her shut her mouth. It embarrassed me a little, her gawking like that at my bookshelves, but I guess I should've expected it, with me never bringing her back here and all.
She tells me she had no idea I loved to read so much. She says she recognizes some of the titles because they're books she's read and remembers telling me about them. I blush at that and admit if she tells me about a book I've never read before I go out first thing and buy it. I like buying books. I never owned them before; I couldn't even take them from the library since you need a parent's approval and all that to get a card. For some reason I could never bring myself to steal a book.
I just sat on the edge of my bed and watched her look at everything. She smiled at the pictures of us I had up everywhere. Giles got me this huge corkboard thing to hang on the wall over my desk. He told me to put stuff I needed to remember for school on there, but I covered almost the whole thing with pictures. Never had those growing up either. She tried the yo-yo and we both laughed when she couldn't even get it back up once. She touched everything, just running her fingertips over books and CDs and toys and pictures.
She told me she thought my room was great. She said she wished I'd brought her back here months ago. She said she feels like she's been missing out on a big part of my life. That made me feel kinda bad; so I pulled her into a big hug and told her I wasn't trying to keep her out. We laid down on my bed together, holding each other close, her head on my chest. I explained about my childhood, about how it was before I got called and how I never really had anything or even a private place of my own. How difficult it was for me.
She kissed me hard then, passionately, like she was trying to make all my fear and pain and the badness of my childhood go away through her touch. And you know, sometimes it seems like she just might do it some day.
She crawled on top of me, straddling my hips, kissing me and holding me tight, and I don't think there's anything quite as good as that feeling – the way her small body works over mine, the way our connection pulls us together. I can feel her heart pounding. I can smell her. And I know now that she can do the same thing, that she feels me through our connection too.
It's intense and maybe a little bit insane, but oh Christ, is it fucking awesome!
We go to her place a lot now. Well, Giles' place really. I always forget that.
I like lying on her bed with her, listening to music, talking and making out. It's a nice change from being at my house where my parents are down the hall. I mean Giles' bedroom is upstairs so there's a little more privacy for us if anything should happen.
Not that anything's happened yet. Still no sex. But not because she's pulling away; it just doesn't seem that big a deal now that we've talked about it. We make out and sometimes things get heated so we go a little bit further, but eventually we calm down and just relax and talk.
She still tells me about her plans. She never mentions that the last two slayers were killed shortly after they came here. She never says anything about the possibility that she won't be here to do all these crazy things she wants to do. But then again, I probably do enough of that negative thinking for the both of us. And I think sometimes she knows how much I worry about that, so she keeps talking like nothing will ever stop her. Like no seasoned vamp could ever possibly take her light away.
And sometimes I believe her. Sometimes I have a lot of faith in what she says, that she'll be around for a lot longer than anyone expects her to.
There's some big impending doom right now, though. We've been working with Giles and even Xander and Cordelia have been in full research mode with us, trying to find out how to stop it. Sometimes Faith has to go train, just to work off some steam because she gets so frustrated with the researching; all she really wants to do is go kill whatever baddy is trying to end the world this week. Sometimes I'll stop researching for a bit and go watch her. It gets me worked up and we find ourselves groping and making out in the stacks. We can't help it, with our connection becoming so strong, and our hormones running rampant, we just can't keep our hands off each other.
And yet still no sex.
I think about the possibility of her being killed in this battle and I cling to her tighter. I hold her to me and will her to be okay.
The nights she comes back bruised and battered I tend to her wounds. I wrap her hands where she's pounded into some demon's face until her knuckles are bloody. I put dressing on the gashes in her arm or forehead. I kiss her wounds and then her dimpled lips and I hold her and try to convey through my touch how much she means to me.
The demon activity has been insane lately. It's scary; I've never seen it like this. Something big is coming; the vamps and demons in town are all riled up over it. Faith says it's safer for me to stay home while she patrols. Even with my developing magic skills, I'll likely get hurt – or distract her. I know she's right about this, as much as I don't want to admit it. She'll be too concerned with protecting me that she won't be able stay focused on her slaying.
I agree to do research, to work on my magic with Giles and let her do the actual, physical fighting. But I don't agree to stop worrying.
Through our connection I know if she's had a good battle or not. I know when it's been an especially tough one. I know when she's been satisfied with a good kill…and when she hasn't.
There were a lot of them.
I mean, a lot. A whole fucking cult.
They came out of nowhere and suddenly I was surrounded. I would throw one or two off of me and three more were back on me in seconds. I lost my footing and suddenly I was on the ground with them on top of me. It was a blur of scaly arms pounding my body bloody.
And I thought, this is it. This is how I die. I'm 17 and the slayer and my life is over.
That's when I felt this huge blast of heat and those scummy demons were thrown off me. I looked around, not sure what the hell was going on, and I saw Willow floating about a foot off the ground, chanting. And those damn demons were writhing around on the ground, holding their heads. I'm still not sure what the hell she was doing to them but the next thing I knew they all disappeared. No messy demon spew to clean up.
I watched her drop to the ground and run over to me. I grabbed her up in my arms and held her. I admit that part of me is pretty embarrassed to have my girl be the one to save my ass. But at that particular moment I wanted nothing more than to just touch her. I didn't even realize I was telling her I love her over and over again until she started shooshing me.
I guess it finally hit me that I really am in love with her. I mean I knew I loved her, but this was a whole new plane of realization. I was on the ground, just recently thinking I was a goner, and Willow had saved my life. There was nothing I knew more at that very moment – I love Willow Rosenberg with all my heart and soul.
We were kissing, passionately. Our lips and tongues crashing against each other, our arms and hands trying to touch more of each other, pulling, trying to get more contact. She was all I could feel. All I wanted to feel. She was straddling my thigh, riding it. I had one hand on her breast, rubbing her through her thin shirt.
I don't know what came over us.
I think if it hadn't been for the whistling and catcalls of those two newbie vamps, I would have taken her right there by that mausoleum.
I had to push her away and stake them before they got on my nerves any more. Besides, I was itching for something to kill and they were just stupid enough to think they could take me on. I might have almost lost my life to a horde of demon cultists from some hell dimension, but I can still take on a couple of idiot vamps.
When I turned back to her, I realized how hot she was. Not that I've never realized this, my girl's damn sexy. But sitting there on the ground, her mouth hanging open slightly, her lips slightly swollen from our kissing and the way her chest was rising and falling – oh and her eyes; those piercing eyes, staring at me like I was her prey. I knew exactly what she wanted and I definitely wanted it too.
But I wasn't about to let us do it in the cemetery.
I took her hand and helped her up, and as quick as we could we made our way back to her house.
She told me she didn't kill those demons, just sent them back to their dimension, where she's bound them for eternity. Giles said he was surprised she thought of that, considering we usually kill everything, and those particular demons are like little fucking insects – when you kill one, they send off a sort of radar to the others, bringing more. Smart girl, my Willow.
Plus, she saved my life. Gotta love a girl who can do that sort of thing in a fix.
She told me she could feel me. She knew I was in trouble and she came. She didn't even have to search for me, she knew exactly where I was through our connection. Nifty little thing we have here, isn't it? Willow says she still doesn't know how she managed what she did. She says she knew what she wanted to do, because she had read about the Cult of Gorean – the demons that almost turned me into chow chow – but she's still not sure how she was able to muster the strength and magical power to pull it off.
Giles says it probably worked through our connection, borrowing from my Slayer Strength, and her emotions – her being scared for me and mad at those Gorean bitches. Which tells me to never piss her off.
I never ever in a million trillion years thought it would feel so wonderful.
Her hands. Her mouth. Her body moving against mine. And the way she tastes! Oh my Goddess, I never knew tasting another girl could be so good. Oh, and the way she touches me, I've never felt so safe, so loved, and I've definitely never felt such pleasure!
There was some definite fumbling around at first. I was so turned on, I just wanted her, all of her, on top of me, under me, inside me – it was all we could do to actually get our clothes off for all the groping and clinging we were doing.
I love the way she reacts to me. The way she groans when I tell her she's getting me wet. When I tell her to keep touching me and to not stop. I love when I'm kissing her belly, how she has her hand on the top of my head, telling me to go down on her, without forcing me down. It makes me smile because I know exactly what she wants but I'm teasing and taking my time. I love that she's so gentle with me.
She's told me about some of the times in her past, how rough she was. How she was all 'get some and get gone'. How she knows she probably hurt some of the girls she was with, how they probably wanted a lot more than she was willing to give. She gives me all of herself. She's never been rough or harsh with me, never pushed me away.
She's an entirely different Faith with me. It's not like she's two-faced, she's just had years to build up her defenses for everyone else, but she lets them down around me and just acts like the normal 17 year old she is.
When she touches me I know she loves me. I know she wants me with all the passion that I want her. I can feel her on a whole other level – not just physical, but through our connection. It allows me to touch her more deeply than anyone else ever has. It lets me know just what she needs, and I know that it's the same for her. She touches me in all the right places, sometimes hard, sometimes soft, but it's always just what I need.
We've become heat and passion and nothing else in the world will ever feel as good as having Faith pressed up against me while we're making love.
Making love. That's such a sweet term. But we're not making love – we already are love. It's something altogether magical that we're making.
I love this girl. I love with her with all my heart.
I've never felt so good. So alive. I've never really believed that I could do all the things I dream up, the things I read in books and magazines. But being with Willow, having our connection, it really makes me believe I can succeed at everything I want to do.
And yeah, sometimes I step back and think about that, and remind myself that I'm the slayer and probably won't live long enough to do all of them. And I tell myself that I'm just in love; Willow's not going to make all my dreams come true.
It feels like that sometimes. Because when I get kinda quiet and think about all that negative stuff, she touches my cheek or picks up my hand in hers and kisses my knuckles, and then I'm back to believing. Believing that she's my angel. Like she saved me from some big nasty fall.
When I'm in her arms I feel like I've come home. I feel at peace.
I can kiss her and touch her, explore her entire body for hours and never get enough. Touching her is like nothing I've ever experienced in my life. When we finally made love, it was like a dam opening, like floodgates bursting open. Something was tapped into that night that I never knew existed. And every night since then has been a reawakening of that.
I'm pretty sure it's called Love. Something I've never experienced with anyone else. A few times I wondered about it, but never felt it. Not like how it says it's supposed to feel in the books. Not like how you see in the movies. But with Willow…is it too cheesy to say it's perfect?
I think about my life before I came to Sunnydale, before I met Willow, and I compare it to now. And I mean, almost anything is better than the way things were for me in Boston, but I can't help but wonder how much different it would have been for me here without Willow.
Worlds. A complete world of difference.
And Giles helped in that too, of course. I never expected someone *assigned* to be my watcher could care for me the way he does. He almost feels like…a father. I mean, my dad wasn't around, so I wouldn't really know what that'd feel like, but you get an idea about shit like that from TV and books and Giles just seems to fit what a father is supposed to be.
I've never told him that, though. I get all embarrassed about it.
Sometimes I feel like I changed a lot since coming here. I worry that I may not be as tough, but Willow assures me that I'm still all ruff n' tumble, but that she likes my soft side too. I always blush at that. And then we kiss and sometimes there's tickling and lots of laughter. I'd be lying if I said I didn't use my Slayer Strength to my advantage sometimes. Although, Willow is getting pretty good with that magic stuff, just last week she tickled me with 'invisible hands'.
I didn't think that was very fair.
It's funny sometimes, the things you feel. When I first met Willow I felt something, I just wasn't sure what it was. I knew there was more to her than just a cute li'l body and brains. She goes about her day, every day, with all this incredible power, and no one knows. People have a tendency to push her aside, to even make fun of her because she's brainy and shy and sometimes she has this funny way of babbling.
I've had to have a few 'talks' with people about the way they treat her. She doesn't know that, though – not that I would lie if she asked me about it, I've just never seen the point in telling her.
But, she has all this power and no one knows. No one knows the incredible strength and courage she has. I'm amazed by her every day; simply for putting up with all the crap that she has to deal with. For being a part of the battle even if she's not out there with me in the cemeteries and alleyways.
And because she knows all about me now and hasn't backed away one inch. Because she's the one person who really knows both the slayer and Faith and what we're capable of.
And maybe that's why I was so drawn to her from the beginning. Because my Slayer Senses picked up on all that magic, on all the possibilities of being with someone like that. Because Willow and me are so much more alike than we realized.
And, I think sometimes too, that there's this weird thing called fate.
And it works, even for a slayer and a witch to meet over a hellmouth.
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